I have been sick for about a month and a half now. Just before Halloween, Hyrum and Brigham tested positive for Influenza A. Because they didn't test people for the Swine Flu out here (the cost was outrageous and time consuming) no one ever really knew if what was going around was the regular flu or the swine flu. I found out last night that the regular flu happens during a certain part of the season; when my boys got the flu it was before that season so they are saying to just assume that was what was going around was in fact, the swine flu. I suspected that is what we all got because of how it lingered and specially mine. I have been coughing, and I mean nasty mucus - sounds like a smokers cough, for a month and a half now. I would have good days where I would cough now and then but then I would have days where I would get into such coughing fits that I would throw up and my head would be pounding. I have to say that this last month or so has been really hard on me emotionally. Its hard to see the bright side of things when you feel like crap all the time. But I still worked on what I learned during conference. That everyone works on their own level. That they better themselves on their own level. I feel that under the circumstances that I did fairly well..until last night. I disappointed myself. I didn't realize it until just now.

The children have insurance but David and I don't. Luckily, we live in an area where there are a lot of Christians who like to give. Every Thursday at the First Baptist Church some doctors, nurses, volunteers, and sometimes dentists and chiropractors volunteer their time to help people like me out. I have been holding out for a month and a half but I just couldn't take it any longer. About 4 or so days ago my cough turned into a sinus infection. The only drawback about going to this clinic is that because it is free you have to wait for quite sometime to see a doctor. I waited 5 hours until I was seen by a doctor.....5 hours! You can imagine the frustration I was feeling. I didn't want to be ungrateful but I was in so much pain. While I was waiting I sat next to this older man who was quite talkative. I learned later that this was unusual for him but I am so glad that he opened up to me. He was complaining about how long he was waiting and how he was about to go "schizo" (as in schizophrenia) on someone. It lead to other things and I made the comment about how we worry about the silly things in life that really don't matter. He then told me his story. Boy was I right. This man was there to get refill medication for severe depression and anxiety. I suffer from the same thing and there has been times in my life when it has been very severe but I always feel guilty for having these feelings knowing that I have been truly blessed in my life. Why would someone so fortunate suffer from something like this? At times it makes me feel so badly because....well, because of men like the one I was sitting next to. He truly had a reason...an actual event that happened in his life that forever changed who he was. His son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter were brutally murdered in Tulsa. A few men high on drugs and thinking they were breaking into a different house, opened fire on this poor family. And not just once but over and over. This man sitting next to me was not there when it happened but as I talked to him I realized all the lasting effects this incident has had on his life. Having to go through he trial and see those pictures of what those men did to his family would be enough to cause major issues. This same man ended up going to jail just so that he could be put in the same jail that the men were being held in...so he could kill them. There was so much anger in his life. After all was said I thanked him for opening up to me. I thanked him because he helped me realize once again how very blessed I am. Through out the night we got moved around but I still watched that man. At times he would talk to people but mostly he just sat there in his thoughts. As time went on the pain in my face and head just got worse and worse and I was trying with all my might not to complain. I ended up keeping it all to myself and was still able to get myself to thank the doctor and nurses for volunteering their time to do this. But I went home feeling so miserable....forgetting all about that man. Just feeling miserable. I was halfway through the next morning when I finally remembered him. I can't believe how quickly our human nature comes over our spirit...winning...losing....it's just a constant battle. I really want to remember that man though. I really do.