My Health

The last few entries have probably seemed a little different.  That is because I'm on this medication that makes it really hard for me to express, even sometimes coherently, what I want to write.  I feel bad for people I try to speak with on a daily bases.  I really do.  Or people I haven't seen in a while.  They have to think I'm crazy.  Or that I've really changed.  Or on drugs.

Well, I am on drugs!  Its calls Topamax!

It's a long story and I'll try to explain it as best as I can on this stuff.  I don't tend to make a lot of sense on it.  The problem is, I didn't make a lot of sense before the medicine!  Ha!  But sadly, its true.

Before we moved to Oklahoma, I had high blood pressure and I didn't have it under control.  I also was highly stressed out.  My anxiety and depression was not under control and I should have been seeing a therapist.  To get someone reading this to understand the state I was in maybe I should back up.

Prior to this time I was in a real happy place.  I had gotten really healthy.  I had gotten off all my high blood pressure medications.  No anxiety medications.  Lost 50 pounds.  Therapy.  And most importantly, my active, loud toddler/child (I'm actually talking about Brigham here...that's how far back I'm taking you) wasn't a toddler anymore!  I could enjoy my children and life was just enjoyable.  It wasn't perfect.  Life never is.  But it was good.  It was really, really good.

But as time tends to do to things, it changes situations.  And just like after a mother forgets that awful pain of childbirth, I soon let the memory fade of the years of a stubborn toddler and the effects it can literally have on an adult female body.

Years passed and we decided to do Foster Care.  And it was a beautiful process.  It went really smoothly.  We were truly blessed with Ruger being our first and only placement.  He was such an easy and loving baby.  We fell in love with him.  He made it so easy.  It was nothing like the horror stories we were told.  We adopted him and then BOOM!  All hell broke loose.

He was walking at 10 months and nothing was the same after that.  I love him with all my heart but he is nothing like any other boy child I have ever seen.  I will argue with the person next to me to the day I die that he can out jump, out yell, out climb, out crazy your toddler in a heartbeat.  He's nuts!  But I promise that I still love him.

From there on, my oldest son had a cyst that we thought was a tumor on his neck area for a time.  That is a whole other story.  That was removed and got infected but kept having to go back in and have it get aspirated over and over.  Then we had a mold problem in one of our bathrooms that was so bad that we had to leave our house for 28 days and live in a hotel...with 4 children!

I remember coming back in our house and getting on Facebook and announcing something like "This is the Adams' New Year."  We were finally living in our home again and I wanted it to be a brand new start for us.  Just start clean.  Just say, we are starting off new.  Right then.   We are walking in our house new, dang it!  But literally the next morning, our water heater went out!  I'm not joking!  That is how our year went!  I didn't even put it on Facebook.  I was just so sick of it all!  So sick of how big of a joke it all was!  You know!  Like, ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

Something else happened in 2016/2017, well multiple things happened at THBell JR High that I'm not going to write about because they are personal, but just know that 2016 and going into 2017 was just a terrible time for our family.  I know every family has that year that they would like to never ever relive.  This was ours. 

And I know you are probably wondering why you have to know all that to know about Topamax but it is the reason that led to it.  It is the whole reason I am on this medication, I feel. 

I came here to Oklahoma with my blood pressure not under control because I went back to my same old trigger: active, loud toddler.  This is when it really hit me.  My trigger!  I don't do well with active, loud, defiant toddlers!  I love babies.  I do.  And I loved my Brigham and Ruger but I will never miss them as toddlers.  I know that will sound so harsh to some parents but it is truth.  I enjoy Brigham as a teenager sooooooo much.  He is hilarious!  He cracks me up!  But as a toddler.  No.  And it is safe to say that I can't wait to see what lies in store for Ruger as a teenager.

Unfortunately this time my high blood pressure with a crazy, active toddler almost did me in.  It landed me in the ER.  My doctor sent me there because my blood pressure was so high she couldn't see me in her office.  They were afraid I had had a stroke.  Long story short I had to go to a neurologist after the ER and had an MRI and Spinal Tap a few weeks later.  It's a really long story.  But we think we have figured out that I have these migraines that mimic strokes.

Anyways, I'm getting off subject.  I have to start telling people no.  I have to start saying yes to my health.  People are going to have to get used to talking to this girl who can't articulate things very well anymore when she talks to them.   I have to stop judging myself so harshly.  And I have to start giving myself more "outs."  I used to consider that as alone time but I'm starting to see more and more how harsh I am with myself.  And that giving myself "outs" may actually mean to give myself a break.  Stop judging yourself so harshly, Alisa.

Be Gentle With Yourself, Alisa.  David reminded me of that in a Priesthood blessing last night.

Growing Up Okie

It's so nice being back home for many reasons.  We don't always get to be back in the Jay area.  And it is probably a good thing just because David and I would never save any money if we did, but when we do head to Jay, it is time well spent.  Family time can't be replaced, that is for sure.  And I'm trying to see my friends as much as possible as well, though it doesn't always happen just because I'm really trying to get that family time in first.

 Laura and I were able to spend some really late birthday (dinner) time together.  I really needed the laughter and boy did she bring it!  I never did get a cake or anything and now that I think about it, I should have brought us one.  I should have brought us a big ol' obnoxious one!  I was already embarrassing her by calling the gyros "GUY-ROES"...wait, what am I saying?  Nothing embarrasses that girl.  She would have loved it!

 On the same weekend there were familiar faces at church that I hadn't seen since growing up at church.  Some had moved back to the area and it just felt like old times so I took some pictures.  I wish I could put into words how good the whole weekend felt.  This was all on the weekend that we came down for the belated Easter celebration.  Spending time with family, seeing Laura, seeing those girls that I grew up with in the Grove branch was so good for me.  It is hard to put in words how familiar it all was for me. 

And a good familiar.  Not a familiar that would cause anxiousness that it would for some people.  It just felt like home in a lot of ways.

 I'm not really good with time but a week or so after, I was in Oklahoma City at the outlet malls when I ran into Haley.  I hadn't seen her in years!  I grew up with her in the Grove Branch as well and went to school with her.  She was a couple years younger than me but I just always loved her.  There was always something special about her and her Mom.  When I think of her and her Mom, I think smiles.  Anyways, when I saw her, I didn't want to stop hugging her!  Again, it was this overwhelming feeling of home.  It's just so hard to explain.

 This picture of Marlana and I was taken back in February when we celebrated her birthday.  She met me in Tulsa for dinner and then we hung out in the mall for a bit. 

Most importantly, I got to witness her be brave.  I watched as Marlana was proving she was an independent woman.  I watched as she was becoming this confident woman believing in herself again.  I've been wanting to journal this for a while now.  I got caught up in all my health stuff that I never got this on here.   But I'm so proud of her.  We can all change.  We can.  We can take a new path.  We don't have to take the path that someone else has steered us in the direction of.  No matter how old we are.  No matter how set in our ways we are.  Change can happen.

Chalk Bomb Shenanigans

After our Easter dinner at MeMaw and Poppy's house we went back to Mom and Dad's house to get the rest of our stuff before heading back home.  It was Sunday, so the boys knew that they needed to try to keep the Sabbath Day as holy as possible.  This meant that they weren't supposed to play on their video games on the way home.

They found these home made chalk bombs that mom had made outside.  They asked if they could pretty much attack the van with the chalk bombs so that they could watch people's faces as other passengers/vehicles passed by.  It made me think back to when we were younger and would be bored on long trips.  How we would want to make signs for other passing cars to get a laugh out of other passing cars.  Anything to pass the time!

Well, I hope it was worth it because I have to admit that it stressed me out.  For some reason, I did not want that chalk in the van.  Even now as I'm journaling it, I still feeling itchy thinking about it.  

Easter 2018

Easter seemed extra special for our family this year.  Not only did it fall on General Conference but my side of the family asked if we could wait a week to hold off the festivities and celebrate together the following week.  I personally really appreciated that.  I don't like doing anything but General Conference on that weekend.  It's one of the only things that I'm picky about.  For me.  Other people can do what they want.  They really can.  And I mean it when I say that I don't judge other members for not fully participating.  But for some reason, I just really, really need this every 6 months.  Like, I really need it.  And I'm super picky about it.  So it really meant a lot to me that we could do this, this way.  

And both weekends were really so great.  Conference weekend was full of revelations.  I felt our family grow stronger together.  The following weekend we got to spend 2 days at MeMaw and Poppy's house.  One of the things that I loved seeing was the interactions of the teenagers with the little ones.  I was grateful that Levi and Brigham were willing to be silly and still "hunt" Easter Eggs with the little ones.  I didn't even beg them to do it.  I just asked them if they wanted to.  I think they just thought it would be silly but I still thought it was was a fun memory that we will all have now.  A 15 year old and a 13 year old out there in MeMaw and Poppy's front yard.  I won't forget it.

In fact I won't forget telling Levi, "Hey 15 year old!  Slow down for the 3 year old!  He needs some eggs too, you know!"

So this is my all time favorite picture of the weekend.  Mainly because of the 3 "creepers" in the back.  You can hardly see him, but Ruger is in there too!

Nanny and Poppy hid some money in some of the eggs for the kids.

 The little ones were being cute for pictures and the older ones couldn't handle it and started being monkeys, I guess.

 Just a picture of a handsome guy I saw roaming around at MeMaw and Poppy's house ;)

 So these pictures looks like Hyrum is crying but he's not!  And it really was funny.  He spotted this egg and so the adults were trying to get Levi to help his brother.  So Levi comes right over and just snatches it and just calmly walks away like it was his to begin with.  We all just crack up, Levi keeps walking, and Hyrum plays like he's crushed.  But it was all in good fun.

This picture was taken right after Ruger threw his bucket right up in the air.

 Doesnt she look like she's modeling this egg here?

The next day, after church we had our "Easter" dinner.  I am on a certain medication that makes food not as enjoyable.  For the first time in a while, much of the food tasted so very good.  I'm sure a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was in my Grandparent's home.  So it was nostalgic.  But I also think that it was because my grandparents are just really good cooks.  

You're Safe Baby

On Saturday I was was at a house warming party for a friend.  She is the Relief Society President in the ward that we attend here in Yukon.  Though we haven't been here long and she has moved, I'm grateful I have already learned much from her.  I want to share something that I learned from her on Saturday.

I was getting ready to leave her new house on Saturday when she said something to me that I hope will stay with me in the coming toddler years with Ruger: 

You're safe baby.

I had been giving one of her sons a ride to an elementary school near where we live during her move process.  I wanted to know if she still needed help with this but she and her husband had decided to go with another school that was closer.  She confided with me that Dallin may seem to be "sweet" but that he was her hardest child.  She had a forced laugh and said that when he was born, in the hospital, she had an overwhelming feeling of "You're safe baby" and then brought him up to her chest.

When she told me that, I didn't laugh.  Now, if you know me, you know that I laugh at a lot of things.  

I didn't laugh at that.  I got goose bumps up and down my arms.  And I had to know what she meant.  So I asked her.  "What do you mean, Genie?"  I didn't laugh at that because I was offended.  It wasn't that at all.  I just felt so strongly that I had to understand.  The Spirit was telling me to listen up!  Listen Alisa!  I'm talking to YOU!

She told me that she didn't know it at the time but she knew it now.  She knows now that if Dallin had been born in any other family that he would had been abused.

Ah.

I just started crying.  Right there at that party.  I hugged her.  Oh how I needed to be there.  How grateful I am that she invited me to her party.  How grateful I am that she is my friend.  How grateful  I am that she was my Relief Society President.  

I needed to be reminded that Ruger was placed in our family for a reason.  He needed to be protected.  Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  He is so active and hard sometimes that I forget that important fact of nurture and love does not always come natural to birth parents.  It may have came at times to Ruger's birth mother but it would not have at all times and with his very active nature you have to be on very high alert.  And it is exhausting.  And when you're exhausted, you tend to make stupid mistakes.  You see where this is going?

I needed those 3 little words.

You're Safe Baby. 

Grandma Beck

Into the second week of March of this year, Grandma Beck passed away.  With her passing, I have been reminded of a few things.

The weekend of her burial, some friends of mine and I were supposed to get together for a getaway for our birthdays.  We all turn 40 this year so we kind of all wanted it to be a big deal.  But with Grandma Beck passing away, it naturally got put off for another time.  Two of my girlfriends that were a part of this getaway mentioned that they only had one Grandparent left each.  I was reminded of how blessed I was to have, up until the day that Grandma Beck died, all of my Grandparents still alive. 

Which reminded me of another thing.  When I was pregnant with Brigham, David's Grandma Hess passed away on my birthday.  I remember feeling big and running after a toddler in the halls of a church during her service.  But this time we were outside and I didn't have to chase after children.  On March 13, 2018 we buried my Grandma Beck on my 40th birthday.  

I guess you could feel sorry for me but my husband tried so hard to make it "right" when I came back from the viewing and burial.  He felt bad.  Even dad tried while we were out in Wisconsin. But I'm on this amazing medicine that makes me not care which I will journal about later.  So right now just trust me that it doesn't matter because this is not about me.  I might be writing about it because its mine and my family's journal but this "time" spent out in Wisconsin is out Dad and Aunt Linda and Grandpa.

(Dad bought Linda and I Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen because they were my favorite item from the store growing up, the night before the burial to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY)

Grandma Beck's viewing was in Wisconsin.  Dad and I stayed a few days with Madison, Linda, and Grandpa Beck during the days, and in the evenings went to the motel with Linda and Dad.  On the last day we drove to Iowa where Grandma Beck was buried.   It was a small gathering where Grandpa was able to share a few personal memories of his wife.  He was kind enough to let Dad dedicate Grandma's grave.  That meant a lot to me.  I think that was why I was finally able to shed some real tears at the end as we were leaving.  

This picture of this white house is the Cedar Falls Woman's Club.  It is where the lunch-in was held after the burial.  I don't have any pictures to do it justice.  It was an old house that is very clean but has kept it old charm.  It was perfect for Grandpa Beck.  Grandpa Beck was speaking of of how he met Grandma Beck at her burial.  We couldn't have had that lunch-in at a better spot in my opinion.