I openly expressed some beliefs the other night, with some new friends, that I normally would have either never expressed or would have waited until I had gotten to know them better. After I had said what I did, I immediately was nervous. Afraid that they didn't quite understand or worse, didn't feel the same way that I did.
Funny, how at 35 years old, I still care about how others see me. But the difference between the now me and the me as a teenager is that feeling went away a lot quicker than expected. Later that night, I went on a walk and mulled over our conversation and came to the conclusion that I was proud of my courage. Not something I would normally say about myself, but it felt good tonight.
So, I think it is time that I put it in writing an issue I struggle with. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I believe in a few things different from the average Christian. We are very similar in many ways, considering we are Christians and conservative, yet we have some radical beliefs. I was reminded of this as I watched a documentary called "Stephen Fry in America." At one point, Stephen Fry talks to a member of our church who tries to help Stephen Fry understand that we very much believe in scriptures and all that it teaches and support them in our conservative way but yet have these radical beliefs that we can become as God.
What? We have the potential of God, himself? Yes, radical to most Christians outside of our church. We, however, find it hard to believe that as children of a loving Heavenly Father, that He would not want us to become as he. Doesn't all earthly fathers want every opportunity for their children, if not more? Yes, to me it makes perfect sense...but then again, I was raised Mormon.
This brings me to tonight's conversation. We somehow got on the subject of gay/lesbian members of the church. Members who have come out to say that they are, in fact, gay/lesbian but do not act on their desires. Most have vowed to remain celibate for the remainder of their lives because of their belief that Heavenly Father does not approve of the acts of homosexuality.
As we were talking about this, I couldn't help but feel that I needed to finally voice what I struggle with. No, I'm not coming out that I am interested in women. I am very much attracted to my husband and only my husband. I do, however, struggle with thinking of someone having to spend their whole lives without completely and fully loving someone they feel they are forbidden to be with. Think for a moment...take away all prejudices of how you may feel on the subject...isn't it sad to think about? In all honesty, isn't it? To have feelings that no matter how hard you try, you just can't change.
So I tried on some courage and spoke of how much I admire members of the church who come out and say that they struggle with this desire that isn't what our Father in Heaven would want and actually do remain celibate.
But then I went even further. Confession time. I struggle with not understanding why Heavenly Father doesn't approve of the desire. I understand the importance of being able to procreate. I really do but I also know that, as cheesy as it sounds, Love really is what makes the world go round. It is what keeps us from killing, molesting, robbing, and hurting each other. So if someone is good and kind, just as much as the Christian standing next to you, why would they be condemned just because of their sexual preference? I don't know. I honestly don't get it and it has really bothered me for some time that I don't. I want to do and believe EVERYTHING that my Father in Heaven wants of me.
And so, I go on having faith that one day I will understand. I go on believing in the words of Elder Holland, "I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have." Those who support homosexuality would tell me I am just living in blind faith, as if it were an insult. I, however, take that as a compliment. Who is really being more open minded here? There is a song by MercyMe called "One Trick Pony." It talks of how non-believers love to point fingers at us Christians and say that we are close minded. It says:
"If I hear just one more time
That I should try and be more open-minded
I think I just might scream
The world says this is all there is
Yet I believe the One who says there's life after this
Now tell me how much more open can my mind be?"
And I would like to add, we believe that a virgin gave birth to a boy that was fathered by God the Father. Radical? Open minded? I say yes to both.
.
"If I hear just one more time
That I should try and be more open-minded
I think I just might scream
The world says this is all there is
Yet I believe the One who says there's life after this
Now tell me how much more open can my mind be?"
And I would like to add, we believe that a virgin gave birth to a boy that was fathered by God the Father. Radical? Open minded? I say yes to both.
6 comments:
Wow and holy crap you should be a writer. I was taken away. I too have had conversations with my husband about the issue of homosexuality and WHY its on this earth. WHY??!!!! I want to know SO bad. I hurt for those who are attracted to the same sex not because they are attracted to the same sex but because if they want to remain faithful to the one true God then they are denied that one deiving force in life: LOVE. I cannot imagine my life without Elton. I have wondered what my life would be like if I had never met him or if, God forbid, he is take from me too soon, and I can't even get through the thought. I LITERALLY shudder at the thought of being without his love. So, that's why I ache for those who are denied this. I am troubled with this issue as well and I thank you for sharing this so elequently. You have voiced my exact loving concern as well as my extreme faith in Heavenly Father that I hold on to: that someday he will explained why? Because I too KNOW that he is a loving, merciful Father and he will not leave anything unanswered. Thank you sister. You are amazing and incredibly thoughful and insightful. God bless YOUR open-mindedness and bravery.
I. Love. You. Period.
O.K. So, here's my take on the subject ")Hope you don't mind, and you both have such compassion for others, Love you both... "WE" are ALL GOD'S CHILDREN, He loves us no matter what, Homosexuality is on this earth because of choices, Man's choices, not our Heavenly Fathers choices,(not that you said that) he has laid out a plan, we were all there, we chose and accepted to follow Christ our Savior, those that don't, does Heavenly Father and Christ love them any less? NO! Just like, I may not like what my children do, it doesn't make me love them any less, I may be disappointed or sad at their choices but I Love them unconditionally, So it is with our Heavenly Father and our Savior, we choose to follow the right way or the wrong way, and it's up to me, you and everyone individual on this earth to know the right and wrong choices. Heavenly Father and Christ are the ultimate judges of our choices, there are a lot of good people on this earth and there are bad too, but, Remember, All's we can do is to Love as the Savior loves, set an example, I always leave Elder Bass' letters with Remember "Be Happy, have a Happy Heart and Love Everyone." Remember: God is Love....Love You Girls ")
Thank you both of you. You have no idea how you much you comforted my heart. As much as I wish I was that type that didn't care what others think, well, I do. It makes me think even more on this subject. What if the reason I question why homosexuality is because I live in this day and age where we are so very tolerant. So "tolerant" to the extent that it has changed what my views on this subject would have been 100 or so years ago (because back then, this subject was not to excepting). If that is the case, I don't like it. I don't like that I can be persuaded so easily. I just don't know. So thank you for your kind words.
And what if we were to evolve like this so that we could love others into the light of Christ. You know? Because it wasn't very long ago that "Christians" were very cruel to homosexuals and people of different colors. So maybe, He just wants me to have this blind faith because all along He was trying to make me see that all that matter is how I treat others who live their lives differently than me.
I agree with April on this: you should be a writer. Ronald wants to write something too, but I don't know if he will.
I think what this comes down to understanding the law of chastity fully and what Charity really is about. Look at people who engage in sexual relations (heterosexual) who never get married. "We love each other, so it doesn't matter". What is the difference between those people and people who engage in homosexual behavior? They are both breaking the same law, laws degreed that must stand or Father in Heaven would cease to be Father. I agree with April on the matter of loving my husband so much that the idea of losing him, especially so early on in our marriage, would be crushing, to the point that it could seriously shake my faith. However, I remember life before my mister man and saying openly, if it be Thy will, I will wait until the next life. I know that I can feel the same amount of Charity now as I would then, it will be that much sweeter.
I can see what you mean about the perception of society and how that can influence. However Alisa, I think you give yourself not enough credit for the faith you do have. I don't think you are easily persuaded by what society says. I think you know truth in your heart and just like that same talk from Elder Holland, you are questioning different things, but you have NEVER let what you know trump what you didn't know.
In relating to Charity, think about this: Take a different law, the law of celestial marriage, which includes BOTH the law of chastity AND the law of plural marriage. I know plenty of people who have struggled with both, but particularly the later. I have had some special experiences in regards to both, but I want to share one experience with the later. Being married to your brother has been one of the sweetest experiences of eternity. But if I were to die and he were to find another (especially with our little guy on the way) I would REJOICE in him being married for eternity to both of us, for one simple reason: Charity. I have heard the argument "no one can love my spouse as much as I do." Most of the time I don't respond because I can TOTALLY see where they are coming from. However, I wish most of the time to say this to them: So you are saying to the only perfect man that ever lived that you are better than him? You are saying that your love supersedes his love? You are saying that he could never gift you with the amount of love needed or wanted to fulfill all things of this world? That's a pretty bold statement, but a statement that shows where someone is at in their understanding of THE PLAN and all the elements included.
Just my "two cents" on the subject. dubbed so by your brother. Love him.
Wow Hannah (and Ronald :). I don't know what to say. So much information that I needed to hear. But the thing that sticks out the most is what you said in the end of our love being greater than Christ. Talk about putting me in my place.
David and I were talking last night and I came to realize that I am caring to much what others think and not asking my Father in Heaven himself. I should be turning to him. Though, I want you to know that I so very much appreciate your, and everyone elses comments because I also know He answers through others as well. Thank you, my dear.
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