My Grandma

My Grandma.  Such a simple phrase describing such a general idea of a person.  But to me it is not.  I never had a clever, endearing nickname for my Grandma.  No GiGi, Grams, Granny, Nanny, and the list goes on.  Just plain ol' Grandma.  But she was MY Grandma.

If you know mine and Grandma's relationship, then you know it was a tight one.  As my Grandpa would say, I was "her girl."  Would you like to hear of a cute story describing how much of "her girl" I was?  When I was 2 years old, my sister April came along.  A cute little, fat baby with dimples joined our family.  Well, apparently one day while I was in a room with just my Grandma and this new little sister I just walked up to that little baby and punched her in the stomach!  I don't know why I did it.  Maybe it was this little creature getting all the attention now.  But the story is famous in our family because of Grandma's priceless reaction.  My mother came running to the aid of this now screaming precious baby and my Grandma completely denied what I had done!  I had just socked a brand new baby in the stomach and I still could do no wrong in her eyes!

That is a good summary of our relationship.  I could never doubt her love for me.  I couldn't tell you how many times she would text me or call because she could just feel that I was depressed.  And I couldn't tell you how many times she was right!  She could just sense it.  Maybe because we were connected so well.  When I would come over to visit Grandma, Grandpa, and Chuck; Grandpa would just sit back and let us gab.  And that is saying a lot because if you know my Grandpa, you know he is a talker.  I guess my point is, Grandma and I were connected.

So with her passing away today, I certainly felt all the feelings.  Deep sadness because I knew the above mentioned things would stop in this life.  But a sense of relief because I hated knowing she has been suffering for way too long.  It's weird having such a range of emotions.  Happy one minute and sobbing the next.

I know today is about Grandma but if I could indulge in something I realized today that I know is very "me, me, me" but nevertheless is a sweet tender blessing from Heavenly Father.  One that He gave just to me.  I like to think of it as Him taking His hand and patting me on the head while saying, "It's ok, child.  I'm still here.  This one is for you."

Almost an hour had passed after I found out that Grandma had died.  I was feeling sorry for myself.  How crappy it is that MY Grandma would pass away on my husband's birthday and our wedding anniversary.  Now all I'm going to think about when we celebrate this day in years ahead is my Grandma died on this day!  Seriously?  How crappy!  But then all of a sudden I realized that it was a sweet little present Heavenly Father gave me.  My Grandma has been sick for months.  He let her live long enough for me to come out to Oklahoma and visit before she died.  And she left that sick body and returned to her home of long ago to be with her parents again on David's birthday and our anniversary!  I thought of what a dear friend (Brandy Holly) said to me.  She was trying to comfort me a few days ago and said of her mother something like, "As much as I miss my mother, I would never bring her back!  I would never take her from such a wonderful place."  Knowing that, what a blessing it happened on such a day.

A few minutes passed and a I started balling again.  Why didn't I go up there?  Since we have been visiting, I have went every day to see her (except for Christmas Eve).  Why would I not go today?  Last night I couldn't sleep.  It was after 3:30 in the morning when I finally was able to sleep.  But that only happened because I got so irritated that I couldn't sleep that I took Nyquil and some migraine medicine that makes me sleepy.  A very sleepy combination.  Only an hour and a half later did Mom come in the room to tell me that Grandma was unresponsive.  She was heading up to Tulsa, did I want to come?  Why didn't I go?!  Well, I was so tired from that medicine.  Wasn't fully lucid.  But I was still mad at myself for not going.  I could have been by my Grandma's side when she left this world.  I could have been by Grandpa's side to support him in his grief.  I was so mad at myself. 

But then it was like that hand was on my head saying, "Child, you didn't need to see that."  I was again reminded of that friend who also told me, "Let your last memory of your Grandma be a good one.  And just leave it as that."  The last time I saw Grandma was yesterday.  She wasn't moving her arms and head all around like she had in times past like she was trying to get the breathing tube out of her mouth.  She was still.  Just sleeping.  But the second I said her name and told her it was me, she opened her eyes.  I talked to her and told her I loved her.  She only stayed awake for about a minute but it was a wonderful last memory.  I watched as my mom came in the room and the same thing happened for her.  I am choosing to believe that me not being able to sleep and taking that medication that made me so tired was actually a blessing so my last memory of her could be of her awake and aware of me.

I know this seems incredibly selfish, this post.  I know her death is really nothing about me.  But these are my thoughts this morning as I'm processing her death.  I wanted to journal them before I forgot.  For those days in the future when I forget the tender mercies that happened today and for those days when losing my Grandma is hard.