My Grandma

My Grandma.  Such a simple phrase describing such a general idea of a person.  But to me it is not.  I never had a clever, endearing nickname for my Grandma.  No GiGi, Grams, Granny, Nanny, and the list goes on.  Just plain ol' Grandma.  But she was MY Grandma.

If you know mine and Grandma's relationship, then you know it was a tight one.  As my Grandpa would say, I was "her girl."  Would you like to hear of a cute story describing how much of "her girl" I was?  When I was 2 years old, my sister April came along.  A cute little, fat baby with dimples joined our family.  Well, apparently one day while I was in a room with just my Grandma and this new little sister I just walked up to that little baby and punched her in the stomach!  I don't know why I did it.  Maybe it was this little creature getting all the attention now.  But the story is famous in our family because of Grandma's priceless reaction.  My mother came running to the aid of this now screaming precious baby and my Grandma completely denied what I had done!  I had just socked a brand new baby in the stomach and I still could do no wrong in her eyes!

That is a good summary of our relationship.  I could never doubt her love for me.  I couldn't tell you how many times she would text me or call because she could just feel that I was depressed.  And I couldn't tell you how many times she was right!  She could just sense it.  Maybe because we were connected so well.  When I would come over to visit Grandma, Grandpa, and Chuck; Grandpa would just sit back and let us gab.  And that is saying a lot because if you know my Grandpa, you know he is a talker.  I guess my point is, Grandma and I were connected.

So with her passing away today, I certainly felt all the feelings.  Deep sadness because I knew the above mentioned things would stop in this life.  But a sense of relief because I hated knowing she has been suffering for way too long.  It's weird having such a range of emotions.  Happy one minute and sobbing the next.

I know today is about Grandma but if I could indulge in something I realized today that I know is very "me, me, me" but nevertheless is a sweet tender blessing from Heavenly Father.  One that He gave just to me.  I like to think of it as Him taking His hand and patting me on the head while saying, "It's ok, child.  I'm still here.  This one is for you."

Almost an hour had passed after I found out that Grandma had died.  I was feeling sorry for myself.  How crappy it is that MY Grandma would pass away on my husband's birthday and our wedding anniversary.  Now all I'm going to think about when we celebrate this day in years ahead is my Grandma died on this day!  Seriously?  How crappy!  But then all of a sudden I realized that it was a sweet little present Heavenly Father gave me.  My Grandma has been sick for months.  He let her live long enough for me to come out to Oklahoma and visit before she died.  And she left that sick body and returned to her home of long ago to be with her parents again on David's birthday and our anniversary!  I thought of what a dear friend (Brandy Holly) said to me.  She was trying to comfort me a few days ago and said of her mother something like, "As much as I miss my mother, I would never bring her back!  I would never take her from such a wonderful place."  Knowing that, what a blessing it happened on such a day.

A few minutes passed and a I started balling again.  Why didn't I go up there?  Since we have been visiting, I have went every day to see her (except for Christmas Eve).  Why would I not go today?  Last night I couldn't sleep.  It was after 3:30 in the morning when I finally was able to sleep.  But that only happened because I got so irritated that I couldn't sleep that I took Nyquil and some migraine medicine that makes me sleepy.  A very sleepy combination.  Only an hour and a half later did Mom come in the room to tell me that Grandma was unresponsive.  She was heading up to Tulsa, did I want to come?  Why didn't I go?!  Well, I was so tired from that medicine.  Wasn't fully lucid.  But I was still mad at myself for not going.  I could have been by my Grandma's side when she left this world.  I could have been by Grandpa's side to support him in his grief.  I was so mad at myself. 

But then it was like that hand was on my head saying, "Child, you didn't need to see that."  I was again reminded of that friend who also told me, "Let your last memory of your Grandma be a good one.  And just leave it as that."  The last time I saw Grandma was yesterday.  She wasn't moving her arms and head all around like she had in times past like she was trying to get the breathing tube out of her mouth.  She was still.  Just sleeping.  But the second I said her name and told her it was me, she opened her eyes.  I talked to her and told her I loved her.  She only stayed awake for about a minute but it was a wonderful last memory.  I watched as my mom came in the room and the same thing happened for her.  I am choosing to believe that me not being able to sleep and taking that medication that made me so tired was actually a blessing so my last memory of her could be of her awake and aware of me.

I know this seems incredibly selfish, this post.  I know her death is really nothing about me.  But these are my thoughts this morning as I'm processing her death.  I wanted to journal them before I forgot.  For those days in the future when I forget the tender mercies that happened today and for those days when losing my Grandma is hard.

Friends That Last

I've said it so many times and I'll say it again:  I have been blessed with the best of friends!

After spending time with my family, I always make an effort to visit old friends when I come to Oklahoma.  It is always fun and often therapeutic.  They make me laugh, make me feel young again, they teach me things, and they have my back.

I grew up with Jolayne while attending church.  She has always been closer to April than me but I often get to see her when she comes to visit April.  She also seems to visit when I do, which works out perfectly for me because then I can say hi and even sometimes goof around.  On this get together we did a lot of teasing and April gave us matching hair-do's.

One of my favorite things to do is our dinner get together with some of the class of 1996 of Jay, Oklahoma!  Sometimes we don't get to get a lot of one on one talking because of the amount of people that show up but there is always laughter.  This time, in particular, I was so grateful for a few friends that stayed late to help me through the ups and downs of this visit to Oklahoma.  It's hard to explain how a trip here could be so wonderful yet sombering at the same time.  My number one priority for this trip was to be here for Grandma, but she was so much worse than I had expected.  There has been such a decline in her health that it saddened me yet uplifted me at other times as I was counseled by friends who have been through heartache and death of loved ones themselves.  This night, as a few of these friends stayed later than the rest, they gave me some of the best advice I have gotten so far concerning my Grandma.  And I really feel at peace now.

Valerie and Shawn came to visit so we used the opportunity for David and I to go on a double date with them. 

To say that Shawn and Valerie had us rolling in laughter at times is an understatement!

But before Valerie had my stomach and sides hurting from laughter, she was so kind with me as she made sure that she first let me talk about my Grandma.  I have been blessed with many friends but this girl here is a part of a really small group of girl friends that I consider my BEST friends.  I know there is nothing I can do to help my Grandma but just being able to talk about her was therapeutic in a way...and then came the laughter that I needed to "fill up my cup" to keep me going as I made yet another trip to the hospital to be with Grandpa and Grandma (which, I should mention the trooper my Grandpa has been through all of this.  His hope doesn't waiver.)

I went to church with Jasia years ago and though she is so much younger than me, well, I still consider her my friend.  It's hard to explain when you meet someone as sweet, kind, physically beautiful, and thoughtful as Jasia.  Her wedding reception was today and with us being back in Oklahoma, David and I were able to attend.  I feel like I have been constantly on the go, while here, but there was no way that I was going to miss supporting this amazing girl.

 Laura is my oldest friend that will forever be my best friend outside of my husband and sister, April.  I love her so very much and feel it a great privilege to be a friend to someone who not only loves me too but is such a good example to me.  That's funny because she has told me for so long that "I saved her" growing up.  That I was such a good example to her.  But she doesn't realize that I was so attracted to people like her and Valerie because they were what I wanted to be: brave and one who would stand up for themselves.  I was never good at that.  And here I am all these years later and I still wish I could be like her in many other ways like how smart she is, how great she is at giving good advice, and always there to give me medical lessons when I'm stumped (which has been a lot lately with trying to understand what is going on with Grandma).

And I'll just end it on this picture to show that some things never change!  I guarantee you that somewhere out there is a picture of 2 teenage girls that look a whole lot these 2 ladies, some 20+ years ago.  Yep, some things never change!

Christmas Eve 2019

We left on the 21st to drive to Oklahoma to spend our Christmas break with family.   My Grandma (MeMaw, as the great grand kids call her) is not doing well and so it was really important to David and I that we come out this Christmas to see her.  She is in the hospital, which means it is hard not to see her and Grandpa at all of our family get togethers, like Christmas Eve.

 But they were close to our hearts as we watched the children make gingerbread houses, decorated Christmas cookies, had our traditional Christmas Eve burgers, and opening of presents...the things that Grandma and Grandpa have loved to watch over the years.

Most of my pictures from the opening of presents didn't come out well but I had to put this one on here.  One of my favorite gifts that our family gave out this year.  A grillin' t-shirt to the grill master himself!

Merry Christmas 2019!

We have a 17 year old!

When it comes to the boy's birthdays, over the years we have changed the way we celebrate.  Sometimes with friends.  Sometimes just with family.  And then we changed it up with making more of memories than giving gifts. 

But Levi's birthday, this year, fell on the day before we were leaving for Oklahoma.  I also knew it would be late before David got home, if we were going to celebrate as a family.

So I thought about doing something different.  Levi bought himself a melodica a while back and has been faithful in teaching himself how to play it.  I asked him onetime if he'd like to play any other instruments.  He had an interest in the piano so I thought that if we used that money that we would normally use to "play" on his birthday and bought him a keyboard piano, that it would go to such good use.  I really do want to support him in his love for music.  

So, for his 17th birthday this year we didn't do much.  We let him pick where to eat, bought a bunch of German Pop, and had cake.  Pretty simple.

17...each year surprises me a little more.  Where did the time go?  Maybe I feel that way because he's always been such an easy child to raise.  He listens.  He does what is asked of him.  

I'm truly proud to call him mine.

An Early Birthday

David got to come home a day early last week because of a work party, so on Friday we treated the whole day as if it was David's birthday.  I try to separate his birthday from our anniversary, every year, because it just seems unfair to combine them.  

We spent the day going out to eat, a movie, shopping at the mall, cake, presents, and more!  It was just a good day and the best part of it was a lot of alone time with David!

I love this man so much.  He makes me happy.  He makes me feel safe.  I feel loved when he's around.  He is such a good example to my boys on how to treat a woman, especially an eternal partner.  He works hard.  He serves others.  He plays with his children.  

He is everything I wanted in a husband, as a young adult, and wondered if it could one day be.  I am so thankful Heavenly Father saw me fit to be his partner for this life and eternity.  

Christkindlmarkt

Hyrum is taking German this year and the older 2 boys took it when we lived in Washington Terrace.  Interestingly enough, I took it in high school.  Who knew our family would be so interested in Germany!

The first year that Levi took German, he went with the German Club to Salt Lake City for the German festival there (Christkindlmarkt).  I remember, when he told us about what he saw and did there, I wanted to go also.  With Hyrum being in German this year, I was reminded, so our family finally went on Saturday!

(Here is the boys eating a German "waffel" and drinking "gluhwein."  At the festival, the gluhwein was non-alcoholic but usually it is pretty much a wine and hot cider type drink)

There were performances there, German food, and lots of little booths.  It was pretty simple, when I think about it (We didn't stop to watch the performances because we knew Ruger would never stay still for that).  We didn't do much and there were TONS of people there.  Normally, that would be too much for me and anxiety issues.  But I had such a wonderful time.

After we left, we found a Taco Bell and ate there.  After we ate everything, we just stayed there for a while and talked.  We never do that!  I always worry about Ruger being too loud or running around but I was so calm.  At one point I just sat back, watched, and couldn't believe how different I was.

I have been on a new medication for a little bit and my life has changed.  David feels like he's married to a different woman!  To put it into the right perspective, I was literally crying everyday (multiple times, actually) before this medication.  Having David gone during the week and only seeing him on the weekends was very tough on me emotionally.  And honestly, I haven't been fully well (as far as depression and anxiety is concerned) since our time in Oklahoma anyway.  It has just been intensified these past few months since I started school and David started living in Saint George for his job.

I still can't fully believe this new medication is working the way it is.  I feel so blessed.  But I've been depressed for so long and with that depression comes very low self esteem issues.  A part of me feels as if I don't deserve it.  But that is crazy right?  I deserve a "win!"  I know, deep down, that I do.  And David deserves it too.  He deserves a sane wife.  And he deserves not having to worry about his wife so much.

I have really gotten off the point of this post.  Christkindlmarkt.  But is was so good to really see the difference in me at this festival.  The difference that started a couple of weeks ago and without a doubt, manifested its effects on Saturday.  

Oh, Christmas Tree...

This is what the top of your Christmas tree could look like if you let teenagers have their way.

Yep, that would be a play trumpet, a garage door opener, a Comcast ribbon, and an inhaler.

Boys are weird...and FUN!

Thanksgiving Week 2019

 The majority of Thanksgiving week was spent with David's side of the family.

Rachael came home from a mission and Stephen Jr came home from college...

 ...so Grandma got to be with all her Grandchildren again!

 And of course, her boys!

The sister-in-laws got to get away for a much needed lunch date.  I'm always surprised what I learn when women get together without husbands and children.  There is just a different type of conversation that can be had and is usually something that I come away from gaining something that never could have been expressed if we were chasing little ones around or comforting a teenager.  All 3 of us got to be heard, we got to listen, and it was all uninterrupted.   

 When Stephen Jr and Levi were next to each other, we were reminded just how much these 2 look like each other.  Cousins?  More like brothers!

 We found a place inside to play (since it was cold and snowy) yet they ended up playing football outside anyway.  

 We also just hung out, went to a movie, and met up in Salt Lake City to see the Christmas lights at Temple Square.

I'm ending it with these 2 cuties!  The first picture is of them at Temple Square and the last is of Stephen Jr. with Ruger when he was a little over a year old.  They have always liked each other but seeing them 2 together this last get together cemented it. Ruger would call Stephen Jr, "His friend, Stephen" instead of his cousin Stephen.  It was so cute!

We have a 5 year old!

We originally thought Daddy would not be home until after Ruger went to bed, on his birthday, so we decided to celebrate the Saturday before. 

We went to the mall and let the 2 little ones ride on these mechanical animals and then afterwards took them all to the candy store.

Then we went home, had Ruger's favorite meal (Taco Salad), opened presents, and then had cake.

I had to put a picture of him and his movie.  This kid won't stay still for anything but a computer game.  And even then, he gets up to jump around now and then because he can't handle it.  Sometimes it gets so bad, that if he is on my bed while playing on the laptop, he stops and digs his head deep into a pillow and screams!  He can't stay still or quiet for long at all.  BUT, when we watched The Greatest Showman he stayed in the living room the whole time!  The whole time!  And it wasn't even a cartoon!

On his actual birthday, I took cupcakes to his preschool class and they all celebrated his big day.

Ruger loves school, loves people, loves rocks, loves the computer, loves outside, loves babies, oh goodness....I could go on and on.  He just loves life!  I mean, he really truly does.  I guess with his kind of energy, how could he not?

Animals, animals, animals

Ruger was invited to a friend's birthday party last week.  They had a company bring some animals for the kids to pet.  Which reminds me of something cute about Ruger.

There is this baby that he sees almost everyday that he has preschool.  He "pets" her everyday.  It is the cutest thing but I wonder how many times I am going to have to tell him that "you pet dogs, not babies" before he actually gets it!

 So, they had hedgehog, a boa snake, a bearded dragon, a ring tail, and a chinchilla.

 I saved my favorite 3 for last.  The turtle, tortoise, and skunk!

When This Man Comes Home

I don't know which is more telling.

The look in this man's eyes or him cuddling in.

His being gone during the week has played a toll on my emotions but I can't deny the closeness it has brought us during each and every weekend.  I am grateful for what this experience has forced us to realize in purposefully making time for each other and realizing just what each other does for one another in building a strong marriage.

Halloween 2019

Halloween began with a church dinner, activities, and trunk or treat the Saturday before the actual holiday.  The older boys dressed in dark clothes as they did their part of the activities (they were in charge of a "haunted" room).  And even though they apparently made a little kid cry, I was still proud of them for helping out with the festivities.  It is fun watching your kids grow to take on responsibilities like this.  They could have been out and about having fun but instead they were entertaining others.  I don't know why it made me so happy but it really did.

 Ruger was Batman/Spiderman!  He couldn't make up his mind on which one to be so I thought, "Why can't he be both?"  It turned out to be a pretty funny costume considering the 2 super heroes come from 2 totally different comics/universes.  David pointed that out to me after I had decided to get all the stuff Ruger needed for his costume.  I knew Uncle Chuck would be proud!

It had been a real tough week for me so it was hard to put on a happy face but I'm glad I went.  It forced me to socialize and it was a good reminder that our family belongs to a really great Church full of members who care about each other.

 On Halloween, Levi actually dressed up for school...if that is what you want to call this!  So, he already had this hoodie that everyone says looks like the 90's Solo/Dixie cup, so he decided to get the matching joggers and went just as that.  That kid cracks me up.

Hyrum got with a few of his friends from school and they all dressed in some kind of blow up dinosaur costume.  He went out with his friends on his own while David and I went trick or treating with Ruger.  Brigham had a friend come over and they just played games and ate a lot of junk food.

It was a very cold night but that didn't slow Ruger down one bit.  David and I laughed often that night as we watched him run from one house to the next, never once getting tired or complaining that it was cold.  Oh, to have his energy!