Let It Go, Girl!

My best friend from high school texted me tonight.

Laura: "Ok so we are watching frozen, and please don't take this wrong but you totally remind me of Elsa."

Alisa: "THE ICE QUEEN?!!!!  HAHAHA!  With only having boys I have only seen it once.  Gonna have to watch it again."

Laura: "Beautiful and reserved.  And always right."

Even with only having boys, I have seen the huge success the movie Frozen has had.  Thousands of little girls everywhere dreaming of becoming Elsa and Anna.  Frozen this and Frozen that in every store you walk into.  

So us texting goes on and on about us being "Frozen Sisters."  Her being a lot like Anna.  Anna reminds me of April also which is funny because growing up, when April would hang out with Laura and I, people who were just meeting us would always guess that Laura and April were the sisters.  Not April and I!  

Anyways, Laura pointing out this movie brought emotions to the surface and I realized I really needed to journal this.  I see some perfectionism in Levi and I want him to know that I will always love him for being HIMSELF!  And I want him to be himself.

People in high school knew me as reserved.  There were some close friends that I could act silly around but for the most part, they didn't see that side of me.  I was always so concerned about being the only "Mormon" most people I came in contact with in Oklahoma, would ever know.  I had to be the perfect example.   But unless you were in my head at that time in my life, you could never understand how very hard that was.  I was, after all, still a teenager wanting to do all the things that every teenager did around me.  But in no way was I going to give in to those things because, once again, I might be the only "Mormon" my friends will ever meet.  I represent the church.  Be good.  Always.

If they only knew, though.  Things like how I always thought drinking was stupid.  Come Monday morning at school, after some party over the weekend, I would hear about how cool it all was but all I heard was how so and so got into a fight or how someone cheated on someone else.  No appealing to me at all...until one night after work.  Pounce and some other friends had met me at Charlie’s Chicken.  They had met up with some other people.  One of the boys said something about drinking to me.  For the first time, I actually wanted to do it.  Why was it such a big deal in my church not to drink alcohol?  But before I could even answer the question in my head, Pounce said, "She doesn't drink."  I will forever be thankful for her presence that night and for her knowing how I normally felt about alcohol.  The guilt I would have felt if other people would have found out, had I done it, would have been horrible.  And found out, they would have...

Some friends and I were in Grove one night and ended up doing something stupid.  To this day, I'm ashamed of it so I won’t be divulging.  Just know it wasn't illegal - just stupid and mean.  We all promised each other that night that we would tell no one.  I still felt really bad about it (and later found out that others did too) that night as I tried to sleep.  The next day we were in the cafeteria line at school when Brandi, who was not with us the night before, told us that someone had told her.  She looked at me and said, "I'm really surprised you did that, Alisa."  I thought I was going to be sick right then and there.  She was not rude about it at all.  She was just genuinely surprised I would have been involved.

Little did I know, that I probably would have been a better "example" if I would have opened up about what I was feeling and struggled with.  A friend of mine, a few years ago, pointed out that maybe seeming "perfect" in some of my friends eyes made it seem unattainable to be a member of my church.  Maybe even any church.  Or that I would never be able to relate to them.  That really hit hard!  I remember how much it hurt when I would find out, through other people, that my closest friends were doing things that I didn't agree with.  I remember thinking that they knew I didn't agree with it but it doesn't mean that I loved them any less.  I wanted them to always feel they could come to me.

But it made since after my friend pointed that out.  If only I would have "Let It Go."

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I'm the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!

I don't care
What they're going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!

It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!

It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry!

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on!

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back,
The past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!

After these texts with Laura, I'm thinking, "How could I have never really listened to the lyrics to this song before tonight?"  I guess I could blame it on the fact that I have never like cartoons, so I dismissed it as that when it would come on the radio.  Or that I am a mother of only boys.

But these lyrics!  They could not have described me more.  From the silly thing of me loving snow and ice to the whole point of the song:  Letting things go.  It wasn't until college that I did just that.  It actually makes me laugh thinking of an imaginary get together.  One of just my high school and college friends being there.  What a fake I probably would have seemed right out of college.  

I never did anything bad in college, but for the first time in my life I didn't care so much what people thought.  I barely passed some semesters because I was so busy playing!  I felt so alive at Ricks College.  I grew spiritually (I say this because growing up sometimes children rely on their parent's testimony of the Godhead and the gospel of Christ.  In college I had to find out what I believed for myself and that I did!).  But more so, I just let go.  The only reason that makes sense to me, as to why I finally was able to, was because I was at a church college where  we all believed the same.  I think that for the first time in my adolescent life and going into adulthood, I didn't feel the pressure of being the perfect "Mormon."  

I want to make it clear, though, that the church nor my parents never put that pressure on me.  It was all me who did that.  Maybe it's because I'm the first born.  But maybe it just who I was at the time.

All in all, I wish I would have opened up more.  I really do.  But then again, I guess I wouldn't know the importance of being oneself without this experience and me learning it the way I did.  I hope Levi catches on much sooner than I did.