My Hope

 

It’s coming up on September and for the last few years something I have looked forward to in this month is the walks, fundraisers, and media attention that it gets from being the Suicide Prevention Awareness month.  Mental health issues and suicidal ideation are unfortunately something my immediate and extended families deal with all too often.  It is truly the worst thing that I can think of that any soul will ever have to deal with. 

I believe hope is one of the key factors in surviving it.  Maybe it's hope in what the future may hold.  Maybe it’s in having hope that your family still needs you.  Maybe it's hope that a new medication or therapy might work.  These “hopes” work for some people and I’m grateful they do but do you want to know what hope looks like for me?  I have a hope in something that not everyone believes in.  That is their choice, and while this may sound dramatic, this hope is a matter of life or death for some people dealing with mental health issues.  That hope is in a future day when our bodies are resurrected and not just physically made perfect but, most importantly to me at least, our minds are made whole.

Psalms 31:12 and 34:18 says, “I am like a broken vessel…The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart…”  Often when we speak of love or things we truly believe in or even when hurting, we refer to our heart.  After reading that scripture I couldn’t help but relate it to mental health or the "heart" as our minds. Then I thought about the word nigh.  It's as if something is close but not quite where you are.  I don’t know how many times I have heard people who suffer from depression or anxiety say that when they are at their lowest, it’s hard to feel the Spirit.  There are some interesting studies done on the parts of the brain that are activated when having a spiritual experience vs. depression.  Needless to say, when I learned this, the hope that I lean on is even more relevant.

But I also know that these things that I deeply struggle with are also what made me, me.  I beat myself up for all that I lack just like anyone else but if I could give myself one compliment, it would be my ability to sense sadness in others.  And I ache for them at times.  Enough that I am willing and have often done my very best to help them in their times of need.    I am by far, not perfect in this but I can honestly say that I really do try harder in this than in most things in my life.

So if mental health issues are a huge part of what made me, me and I have faith in a Father in Heaven who loves me no matter what, that must mean that he loves “broken” things like spoken of in Psalms.  A dear friend, Rose Rowberry, sent me a quote today from a book that she is reading.  I read it several times and knew I had to journal about this subject today.  Jeffrey R. Holland said,

“Sometimes the events of life can damage our highest hopes and dreams.  Some of our sweetest possessions and most cherished ideals end up being bruised, and sometimes they are broken…It may be that among all the broken things God loves, He loves a broken heart most of all.”  After speaking of examples of broken things that actually end up leading to nourishment and growth he said, “…through the great miracle of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He will give your heart back to you healed and whole.  That is the ultimate truth taught by the Resurrection.  Christ, the Great Healer, will make recompense for us in time and in eternity.  By His grace and the goodness of God, all broken vessels are fully repaired.”

I have made this entry long enough so I will just end it with something else this wise men once testified of.  Elder Holland’s testimony is that of my own hope that I lean on.  “I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.”  Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show “compassion one of another,” I pray, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”

Back to School, Baby!

The 3 youngest boys went back to school today.  I was definitely aware of Levi not being there but oddly enough, it didn't make me sad or feel like something was out of place.

Ruger is now in 1st grade which means he is in school all day this year...which also means that Mommy can go to school full time next month!

Hyrum is in 9th grade this year.  If we were in Oklahoma, he would be in the High School building but he is still in JR High here.  I think it is weird that they do that here in Utah but I'm also grateful.  Hyrum can stay a little younger in my eyes by staying in JR High.

Brigham is our Senior.  Not the typical Senior you think of, boasting down the halls of his presence while soaking in every moment of this notorious year of play.  No, he's quietly just getting his classes done that will let him graduate while adding on a few AP classes (college credit) to get him further ahead, faster.

Just a fun picture to end with.  I think it is a good sign that Ruger's teacher (Holladay) made a silly face right along with Ruger.  I'm thinking she will be a good fit for our little guy.

Rocky Mouth Falls Trail

For mine and Ruger's weekly hike with Cami and her girls, this week we went to Rocky Mouth Falls Trail near Sandy.  The air quality has been so bad (bad enough that we can't even see the mountains from our home now) because of the fires in the surrounding states.  You know its bad when you get out of the van and you can actually smell the smoke!  But amazingly, when we got on the trail, the elevation was so steep that the smell went away and the air seemed to clear.  It was a short hike, and I was grateful because of how steep it was, but it sure was beautiful!

 

Summer Madness

I blinked and before I knew it, school is almost in session.  This summer has been a different one for me.  It started off super busy but after a few weeks, I had hardly anything to do.  I started to see the signs of summer depression sneak into my life and knew I had to do something about it.  I got a few friends involved and before I knew it, weekly things were scheduled and I could see a real difference in my mood and attitude.  Things really picked up these last few weeks and I only have a week and a half with my boys until they are off to school again!  Reflecting on this made me realize there were a few things I forgot to journal about.

Like being able to go to the temple again weekly.

Going to the Adams family reunion.

Celebrating Grandpa Adams' 76th birthday.

And reuniting with a dear friend.

Being able to go back to the temple after they were shut down for months, because of the pandemic, has been such an amazing blessing.  I focused a lot on getting temple work ready for when the temples opened back up, and that helped, but I still missed doing the work inside the temples.  It feels so good to be back.  Speaking of being back, because last year's Adams family reunion was canceled (because of the pandemic) family members were able to be together once again this summer.  This is why we were able to spend time with Grandpa Adams.  I'm really grateful he stayed an extra day just to spend time with his grandkids.  It meant more to me that he probably realizes.

Kyla was a friend I made while living in Rexburg with David soon after we married.  She is a dear friend that I will make effort for the rest of my life to make sure that I stay in contact with.  We may not get to see each other often (she lives in Idaho) but make no doubt that every time we reunite, there is no awkwardness.  We may have a lot to catch up on, but we are right back to sharing our deepest struggles, joys, and lifting each other through both!

 

Hyrum is 14!

Saturday was a crazy busy day for us.  Most importantly, it was Hyrum's 14th birthday.  It was also the Adams family reunion.  We got up, drove to Saratoga Spring and spent an hour at the reunion before heading off to Cowabunga Bay in Draper to celebrate.  Levi had to work but the rest of us spent 4 hours at the water park.  Ruger even learned how to swim without his floatation device!  We went back home, jumped in the shower while David headed back to the reunion.  Ruger and I headed to the store and then went to a jump house type place (Kangaroo Zoo) for a friend's birthday party.  We all headed back home around 7 p.m. and had cake while singing happy birthday to Hyrum.  It was a long, tiring day but it was well worth it.

Just after midnight, Leia came over to wish Hyrum a happy birthday and give him a present.  I can safely say that was the best part of Hyrum's day!  She had been out all day with her family and they didn't get home till midnight but she still had to come by.  I just love her for that!  

Hyrum said the cutest thing this morning.  Soon after telling him happy birthday, he said to me, "Only two more years until I can date Leia!"  Oh, my gosh, I just love these two!

 At 14, there are obvious things that Hyrum loves....ahem....Leia.....but that was a given, right?!  But then there is also Roblox, Minecraft, online gaming with his friends, Anime, and Seiiki.  To get details like this out of his brothers might take some time getting to know them, but Hyrum is very vocal about things he loves.  He is closest to Brigham, out of all the family members.  Every Wednesday, he and Brigham thoroughly clean the kitchen and in return, I give them money so they can bicycle to the nearest gas station to get a treat.  I like listening to bits and pieces of their conversations while in the kitchen.   

For so long, Hyrum was my "baby."  It's weird for me, in some ways, to see him in this stage of life.  Figuring things out.  Loving deeply.  But I like it.  No, I love it.