My sister, April, sent this to me not to long ago. It spoke to me because of how I feel about depression. I have a love/hate feeling for it. Anxiety can go away forever and I'm pretty sure I'll never miss it but depression actually has a good side to it for me. When I'm depressed, I feel things differently. I am sensitive to the Spirit when depression gets a hold of my heart. And I don't mean that because I'm depressed I find myself pleading to Heavenly Father more. So I'm closer because of prayer. No, it's more that I can feel the sweet promptings of the Spirit more when I am at my lowest. It is hard to explain. On one hand, it debilitates me in certain ways. All I want to do it sleep. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to go into public in fear that I might break down in tears in front of strangers or worst, in front of someone I know. I beat myself up over the smallest of things. BUT, I also start to feel meaning in the simplest of things...those same things that I would have ignored if I wasn't depressed.
And so like this picture above says, I feel so much. So much that I sometimes burst into tears. I can truly empathize with others hurting. But I sure do suffer for it. I pay a deep and terrible price for it.
My friend, Valerie, sent me these flowers because I was in one of those deep depressions last week. So deep that my irrational thoughts mirrored thoughts of the past that sent me to a crisis center. But this time, I was armed with a shield of protection that I earned the hard way. I learned from my last experience that I can't do it alone. That I have to get my husband involved (which means not keeping it from him), work very closely with my doctors, tell my close friends and the hardest of all, have faith that the Lord will get me through it.
It's hard enough for me to tell my family and friends because I don't want them to worry about me and because when I'm in the thick of it, I just don't want to talk about it. Because talking about it just makes me cry once again. But that "armor" that I earned from my last experience really taught me the importance of talking about it. So I was better this time about telling certain people. But having faith that the Lord would provide a way for me to get past it was truly hard. I didn't give up, however. I prayed so much that I was sure He was tired of listening to me. I asked for Priesthood blessings. I fasted with my husband. I listened to church music, watched inspiring videos, read scriptures, anything that had to do with what I felt would bring the Spirit close to me.
But this time, instead of me feeling the Spirit closer to me because of the depression, I actually felt nothing but panic. It got so bad that I was only eating what would somewhat sustain me because I was so sick to my stomach that I was sure I was physically sick. Turns out, I was so anxious, that I had made myself sick. And I felt it almost constantly in the pit of my stomach.
But I learned something important. I learned I am stronger than I ever thought I was. My friend, Laura, reminded me of how strong I was. I was strong because I even got out of bed that morning because she knew that I would much rather be asleep. Because when I sleep, I'm not sick to my stomach anymore. I'm not overthinking everything. And I mean everything. My mind was racing so much that I felt as if I was loosing my mind. And though I didn't believe it at the time that Laura said I was strong, within a few days I was feeling less anxious. Not as sick to my stomach. Not as many thoughts were invading my head.
And that is when I realized I was a strong woman. For once I came out of a bout of severe depression without feeling like a failure. You see, before I would come out of the darkness and only think of what got me there and how horribly I handled it while in it. I must have done something wrong to get there. Was I putting food in my body or not exercising enough that was leading to depression? Or was it that I wasn't close enough to the Lord and was being punished? This time, however, I came out of this experience knowing that I had chosen to put my faith in my Heavenly Father. I finally got the answer that I was wrong in my thoughts all along. I'm not being punished. I haven't done something wrong. In fact, I did something really right! I kept praying, pleading really, that He take it away. Well, that must mean I have faith that He can do it! And the biggest realization was how much faith I was showing.
When I was listening to church music, reading my scriptures, looking up inspirational stories and so forth, something terrible happened. It actually made me feel worse. That doesn't normally happen to me. Instead of it making me realize that I wasn't alone or that others go through harder things than me so I can handle this, I just felt as if every song I heard, every inspirational story I read or watched online was telling me how selfish I was. How imperfect I was. How far gone and lost I was. But the thing is, when I got out of the depression I finally realized something. I realized that even though I kept feeling those irrational feelings, I kept going at it! I kept reading. I kept listening. I had faith! I had proven that I would follow the Lord's council even when my own mind was telling me the exact opposite of what the Spirit would have told me if I could have heard it. Now that is insanity!
So here I am. Testifying that people can change. In the Priesthood blessing that I received, the Lord told me that I would look back on this time of depression and see that this very trial would be a pin point. It would be the turning point in a path that I am on. My path would change!
I am so grateful for a husband who has never given up on me. Who has held me so much and watched me cry so hard that he should have thought that there was something so mentally wrong with me that I'm positive other men would have given up. He has gently gotten me through more than he should have ever witnessed or been a part of. He is absolutely my rock.
And I am so grateful for a eternal Father that never gave up on me. That has sent me earthly angels while we have been living in Oklahoma. This stay in Oklahoma has been very hard on my physical body as well as my spirit. But He has time and time again, sent friends and family to get me through. This time here in Oklahoma has taught me that the placements of family are inspired. I don't know how I would have ever gotten the medical treatment that I received without my family stepping in, over and over, to watch Ruger while I healed. Or my sister coming and staying with me for a week after the worst episode of depression in my entire life. How could I not be so grateful for a Father in Heaven that knows me so well that He would make sure that these exact people would come and rescue me. And I truly believe that there are unseen angels that have watch over me, guided me, and been my cheerleaders on the other side of the veil giving me strength to continue in faith.
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