Who is your resource?

I remember my Grandma telling me once that she could tell when I wasn't doing well by whether I was journaling/blogging or not.  It's been a few weeks since I've journaled.  I don't know if I'm doing well.  Some days I think I've done pretty darn well.  And others, I feel weak.

I was just watching a video about mouring with those that mourn (using the example of Mosiah 9:18).  The question I got out of it was, do we mourn for those that mourn or do we mourn with those that mourn?  Do we cry in private for those that are hurting or do we physically go where ever they need us to be to help carry that burden?

In John 11:15 it simply states,  "Jesus wept."  In the past, I have read that scripture as a sad moment for Jesus.  He had lost his friend to death.  He witnessed his friend's family mourn and it saddened him.  I thought of this scripture as a way of humanizing the Christ.  He too could feel pain and sorrow.  But as I thought about the questions of how we mourn with others, I thought of this scripture differently.  If you continue to read the scriptures following verse 15, Jesus physically does something about the situation.  As sweet is the thought of Jesus weeping with those that He loved, even sweeter is the thought that He physically did something about it.

We can't raise someone from the dead as Jesus did with Lazarus, but we can physically be a friend to those in need.  And it just might bless you in the end.  A few months ago I met a woman (Rose), who is now my friend, in a finance class.  As a part of the class, we met in her home to discus things that we had been learning and applied in our home.  It didn't happen right away, but by the end of the class I felt a sort of connection with her.  We seemed an unlikely pair.  I am in my 40's with all my children still in the home.  I'm not sure how old she is but she is old enough to be a great grandmother.  She is bold when talking to people and I am not.  She likes to teach (thus us meeting at her house and her being the facilitator) and I would rather be the one learning.  But once the class ended, I knew I needed to keep in contact with her.

If I'm completely honest, I did it out of trying to be more Christlike.  I knew she had lost her husband and lived at home alone and so I thought it was just the right thing to do, to be her friend.  So, on occasion, I show up to her house and we would chat for a few hours.  Then I would go home feeling like I have done some good in the world.

But it wasn't until I went to visit her after my Grandmother's death that I realized just how well Heavenly Father's plan, of mouring with those who mourn, works.  It is 2 fold.  It goes around in a circle of giving and receiving.  Usually when I visit Rose, she cries while she talks of her time spent with her departed husband.  I say things here and there but mainly, I just listen.  And while the last time that I went to visit she still spoke of her husband quite a bit, it started out with experiences she had after her husband died to help comfort me with losing my Grandma.  I will just simply state that it was beautiful and I left her house knowing she had done more good for me than I ever could have given her that day.

One of the things that was brought up in the video that I watched earlier was that of resources.  Who or what are your resources when you are mourning?  Is it an organized place that helps those in need?  Is it a therapist?  Or is it just an everyday friend?  Rose was a resource to me the other day.  My friend, Valerie from high school, has been a resource to me a few times a week since my Grandmother's passing.  She randomly sends me texts to check up on me.  Another high school friend, Brandy, sends me private messages through Facebook and shares her intimate experiences with losing her mother.  My husband is my biggest resource.  Even though he is gone during the week, he not only sends me texts but also Skype's me at night and purposefully asks how dealing with the loss of Grandma is affecting me that day.  He even sent me flowers!

So who is your resource and could you be a resource for someone else?  I will end this with the greatest resource of all.  Our Savior Jesus Christ.

The first Sacrament meeting that I went to after my Grandmother died I had an new type of experience.  In the past, when taking the sacrament, I turn my thoughts to things that I had done wrong during the previous week and focus on repenting.  But this time was a sweet difference.  The sacrament prayer was said and while the bread was being passed out I thought of my Grandma.  Precious tears were shed as I thought of how significant the sacrifice and resurrection of Jesus Christ was to me right in that moment.  For once I wasn't thinking of my faults.  I was thinking of how my Grandma's soul was still alive!  And one day she would have her body again all because of Jesus Christ!  He is my Grandma's resource.  He is my resource.  He is mankind's resource!  Oh, how blessed we all are!

One Last Act of Service

Grandma's viewing, funeral, and burial has come and passed.  Her funeral and burial went amazingly, (emotionally) easy for me.  I may have gotten teary eyed a few times (especially when my husband spoke at the funeral) but I only cried hard 2 times during the funeral process.  

When I saw Anna Gibson, before the funeral started, I cried.  I love her so much.  My first memory of her was her being a teacher of mine at church during my childhood.  She helped guide me to finding my own testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I remember very well, her even defending me one day when someone said something that didn't paint me in the best of light.  I always knew Anna loved me, but on that day, it was clear just how much she loved me.  When she hugged me at Grandma's funeral and whispered into my ear, "I will be joining your Grandma soon" I just lost it.  I love this woman very much.

The next time I sobbed was after the funeral.  Our family was all lined up outside the church as people were leaving the building to give us hugs and show their love towards us.  My friend, Brandy, hugged me and again I was just a wreck.  She never met my Grandma, yet came to her funeral because she loved ME.  What a true act of friendship that was shown to me in that moment.  I also think I was so emotional with her because she lost her mother just a little over a year ago.  I knew that as I was hugging her, I was hugging a woman who knew grief.  I knew she knew, more than most there in attendance, just how hard the coming days ahead would be for me and she wanted to show me love to get me through it.

Grandma's burial went surprisingly smooth for me.  I was just at peace.

But the day before was a different story.  The day before, Tammy Gibson (Anna's daughter-in-law) and Betty Powers came to assist Mom, April, Amanda, and I in preparing Grandma's body in her temple clothes.  I was so grateful for Tammy and Betty's service in helping us.  It was such an honor to give Grandma this one final act of service.  But I expected this grand, spiritual experience and didn't receive it.

However, I want to record what happened at her viewing later that night.  Our family had alone time with Grandma before the public would come and say their goodbyes to Grandma.  As I walked up to the casket where my Grandma's body lay, I was taken back 18 years ago almost to the day.  On December 29, 2001 my Grandma was my escort in the temple.  When you go through the temple to receive your endowments for the first time, you can take an escort with you.  I chose my Grandma.  She is the one who taught me how to put on my temple clothing and guided me through the process of making my own covenants with my Heavenly Father that day.  Now it was here 18 years later and I was looking at her body, that served her spirit for 70 years, dressed in her temple clothes.  The same type of clothes that she helped me dress in for the first time.  It was such a beautiful memory.  And in that moment I finally had my big spiritual experience that I wanted early that day when dressing her.  18 years ago she helped me learn the ways of the Lord, as she had all my life, and 18 years later I was looking at those beautiful temple clothes again, that I had helped put on her this time.  What a glorious cycle.

This is a picture taken the day before my Grandma guided me through the temple.  All these years I have looked at this picture and it has never meant so much to me as it does now.

I'll end with another memory that came to mind.  This was before her funeral started.  I walked into the room that her casket and body lay to see her one last time.  Betty walked up to me, put her arms around me, and told me how beautiful she looked.  I shared with her an experience I had with Grandma that I was just reminded of when I entered that room.  I was looking at Grandma's face with all that funeral makeup on, which they did a good job on but they never look the same.  I think it has more to do with the fact that their precious Spirit isn't in tact with their body anymore.  Anyways, I told Betty about the first time I saw a body at a funeral home.  I was working at a flower shop at the time and normally when flowers were ordered for a funeral service, we just placed the flowers/plants at the back entrance and the employees put them in with the bodies.  Well, this time they were busy and told me to bring them in.  I was pretty nervous as I brought in those flowers.  I remember looking at the body in the casket and feeling weird.  

At the time, I was living with my Grandparents and Uncle Chuck.  When I came home that day, I told Grandma about my experience and how I didn't like it.  She just said to me, "Oh honey, it's just a shell."  From that day on, I never had a problem with delivering flowers/plants to the funeral homes.

That was my Grandma.  Always teaching me.  I pray her Spirit is near me even after her death so that she can continue to teach me.

My Cup

When someone says their "cup" is either full or empty, it seems to usually refer to whether those around them are lifting them up or not.  At least in my mind that is how I seem to relate the phrase.  

My cup seems to be filling pretty full during this trip.

It has been so difficult at times, yet my cup has been full of kind and beautiful gestures throughout the trip.  Family members checking in on me.  Texts from loved ones because they were out of state and couldn't physically be there (Hannah).  A friend of mine (Robyn) from high school came and visited Grandma in the hospital while another high school friend (Corrie) came to Mom and Dad's house to find me even after Grandma's viewing because I wasn't there when she came to the funeral home.  It meant so much to me that she went that extra mile to show me love.  And there were get togethers where friends cheered me up through laughter before Grandma had passed.

One that really sticks out to me is Valerie and Laura.  Long story but they both ended up coming, separately, to visit me the day before Grandma passed away.  They both just let me talk about my Grandma and then had me laughing by the end of our visits.  Which is what I needed.  I needed to talk about her.  So many times people don't bring up loved ones because of their fear that it will make some one sad.  But I wanted to talk about my Grandma.  And then when it got too much, they made it better by making me laugh.  What a little miracle Heavenly Father gave me by letting these 2 friends of mine come the day before my Grandma would pass away.

But my biggest fueling up came from David and I going to Branson, Missouri.  Grandpa insisted that we go for our anniversary, even though Grandma had just passed.  I was not going to go but after some words of wisdom from my husband and then Grandpa insisting on it, I knew I needed it.  And needed it, I really did.  I truly enjoyed it, even if I stopped to cry now and then.

We spend 2 days there, both of those days in Silver Dollar City.  I just can't express correctly how much I needed this distraction.  To just be with the love of my life.   To be with the one who could truly comfort me better than any other in this world.  To be with the one who could give me words of comfort, over and over, that no one else could quite get as right as he did.