The Real Deal

On Saturday, I got out of bed at 11:00 a.m.  At noon, I still had on what I had slept in the night before.  A little before 1:00 p.m. I was at a mall not looking all that better.  Granted I brushed my hair and changed but I felt a little like a sad version of me.  Within a hour or 2, I looked like this.

 A few hours after that, I posted this picture of David and I on Facebook.  It read:  Life isn't perfect but sometimes you get to have great company, good food, and pure happiness all in one place.

In order to get to this "place" I had to wake up, make myself get out of bed, eat breakfast, be sad for a bit and realize that I needed to actually physically do something about the way I was feeling.  I had to make myself do something for me.  I made myself go to the salon to get my hair cut.  After that, I told myself that I was going to buy me some mascara.  I went to Dillards and asked if they would put makeup on me.  So sad to some, I'm sure.  But it was important to me. 

All because I decided to change the way my day was going; it set me in motion to find a random salon where I would have the chance to have a beautiful lady cut my hair but most importantly give me a cheap therapy session.  She would convince me to do something for myself.  

Yep, buy some expensive mascara.

Do you ever do something stupid because you are sad or need a change or maybe even scared?  She taught me a good lesson that afternoon.  Don't make drastic decisions when you are emotional.  

When I first went in to the salon I told her that I didn't know what I wanted.  Maybe some color?  I couldn't tell you the last time I colored my hair.  But for sure I wanted her to cut my hair.  Right?  She kind of softly laughed through my trying to figure out what I wanted to do.  And all of a sudden I just blurted out, "I'm turning 40 this year, I have 4 boys, and this is what I always look like."  She got serious and said, "That explains a lot.  We are not coloring your hair.  Come sit down honey.  Lets cut your hair."  

I'm actually crying as I type this.  Not because I'm sad.  Its really just emotions and feeling silly but blessed because I know Heavenly Father gave me a tender mercy with that lady.  

She slowly got to know me with random questions about myself.  But by the time she had cut and fixed my hair she and I had opened up to each other about how hard life can be at times but how we need to open up to one another.  How we can help one another.   Yes, even strangers.

Really, the only thing we had in common was that we were female and mothers.  But she was now a Grandmother, different background, different race, different upbringing, and different situations in life yet we both hurt at times.  We both are happy at times.  We both want to be of service to others; especially our spouses and children.  And we both put ourselves on the back burner.  

I walked away from that salon with the best therapy session (you better believe I tipped her well!).  It's ok to fill up your own glass when you are feeling a little low.  It's ok to feel guilty about not being enough because we are all going to do it.  I'm exhausted all the time.  I am raising 4 boys.  I am homeschooling one of them while trying to keep alive a very active toddler.  I'm serving in a time consuming calling at church.  I'm trying not to put all those things before my husband and so I battle with guilt.  And because of all this, the most time consuming part of all of this is making sure this doesn't all lead to depression.  It's exhausting.  But she helped me see that I remember when I wasn't exhausted. And you know what?  It was boring.

I don't want to be bored.  I would rather be tired at the end of the day knowing that because I chose this life, 2 of my children are safe at home with me while the other 2 are happy at school.  I would rather put my husband first than see the hurt on his face when I don't.  I would rather my children see their mother give the same type of dedication to their father as they clearly see him giving to me.  I would rather clean my house than be irritated at the end of the day when I look around at clutter and start to feel claustrophobic.  I would rather make a meal than feel guilty later that I went out and bought dinner that wasn't healthy for my family.  I would rather do all of this and be exhausted but you know what?  Here's the even more important part:

I'm not always going to feel that way.

I'm going to change my mind.  I'm going to see things differently.  I'm going to have different life experiences that won't even allow me to do the same things in the future.  And even if things stayed exactly the same, I may still do things differently because I'm human!  It's ok to mess up.  It's ok not to have it all together.  It's ok to change your mind.  That is what this life is all about.

I just want to keep learning.  And I want to be patient with myself while I'm learning this.  All of this.