One Last Act of Service

Grandma's viewing, funeral, and burial has come and passed.  Her funeral and burial went amazingly, (emotionally) easy for me.  I may have gotten teary eyed a few times (especially when my husband spoke at the funeral) but I only cried hard 2 times during the funeral process.  

When I saw Anna Gibson, before the funeral started, I cried.  I love her so much.  My first memory of her was her being a teacher of mine at church during my childhood.  She helped guide me to finding my own testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I remember very well, her even defending me one day when someone said something that didn't paint me in the best of light.  I always knew Anna loved me, but on that day, it was clear just how much she loved me.  When she hugged me at Grandma's funeral and whispered into my ear, "I will be joining your Grandma soon" I just lost it.  I love this woman very much.

The next time I sobbed was after the funeral.  Our family was all lined up outside the church as people were leaving the building to give us hugs and show their love towards us.  My friend, Brandy, hugged me and again I was just a wreck.  She never met my Grandma, yet came to her funeral because she loved ME.  What a true act of friendship that was shown to me in that moment.  I also think I was so emotional with her because she lost her mother just a little over a year ago.  I knew that as I was hugging her, I was hugging a woman who knew grief.  I knew she knew, more than most there in attendance, just how hard the coming days ahead would be for me and she wanted to show me love to get me through it.

Grandma's burial went surprisingly smooth for me.  I was just at peace.

But the day before was a different story.  The day before, Tammy Gibson (Anna's daughter-in-law) and Betty Powers came to assist Mom, April, Amanda, and I in preparing Grandma's body in her temple clothes.  I was so grateful for Tammy and Betty's service in helping us.  It was such an honor to give Grandma this one final act of service.  But I expected this grand, spiritual experience and didn't receive it.

However, I want to record what happened at her viewing later that night.  Our family had alone time with Grandma before the public would come and say their goodbyes to Grandma.  As I walked up to the casket where my Grandma's body lay, I was taken back 18 years ago almost to the day.  On December 29, 2001 my Grandma was my escort in the temple.  When you go through the temple to receive your endowments for the first time, you can take an escort with you.  I chose my Grandma.  She is the one who taught me how to put on my temple clothing and guided me through the process of making my own covenants with my Heavenly Father that day.  Now it was here 18 years later and I was looking at her body, that served her spirit for 70 years, dressed in her temple clothes.  The same type of clothes that she helped me dress in for the first time.  It was such a beautiful memory.  And in that moment I finally had my big spiritual experience that I wanted early that day when dressing her.  18 years ago she helped me learn the ways of the Lord, as she had all my life, and 18 years later I was looking at those beautiful temple clothes again, that I had helped put on her this time.  What a glorious cycle.

This is a picture taken the day before my Grandma guided me through the temple.  All these years I have looked at this picture and it has never meant so much to me as it does now.

I'll end with another memory that came to mind.  This was before her funeral started.  I walked into the room that her casket and body lay to see her one last time.  Betty walked up to me, put her arms around me, and told me how beautiful she looked.  I shared with her an experience I had with Grandma that I was just reminded of when I entered that room.  I was looking at Grandma's face with all that funeral makeup on, which they did a good job on but they never look the same.  I think it has more to do with the fact that their precious Spirit isn't in tact with their body anymore.  Anyways, I told Betty about the first time I saw a body at a funeral home.  I was working at a flower shop at the time and normally when flowers were ordered for a funeral service, we just placed the flowers/plants at the back entrance and the employees put them in with the bodies.  Well, this time they were busy and told me to bring them in.  I was pretty nervous as I brought in those flowers.  I remember looking at the body in the casket and feeling weird.  

At the time, I was living with my Grandparents and Uncle Chuck.  When I came home that day, I told Grandma about my experience and how I didn't like it.  She just said to me, "Oh honey, it's just a shell."  From that day on, I never had a problem with delivering flowers/plants to the funeral homes.

That was my Grandma.  Always teaching me.  I pray her Spirit is near me even after her death so that she can continue to teach me.

My Cup

When someone says their "cup" is either full or empty, it seems to usually refer to whether those around them are lifting them up or not.  At least in my mind that is how I seem to relate the phrase.  

My cup seems to be filling pretty full during this trip.

It has been so difficult at times, yet my cup has been full of kind and beautiful gestures throughout the trip.  Family members checking in on me.  Texts from loved ones because they were out of state and couldn't physically be there (Hannah).  A friend of mine (Robyn) from high school came and visited Grandma in the hospital while another high school friend (Corrie) came to Mom and Dad's house to find me even after Grandma's viewing because I wasn't there when she came to the funeral home.  It meant so much to me that she went that extra mile to show me love.  And there were get togethers where friends cheered me up through laughter before Grandma had passed.

One that really sticks out to me is Valerie and Laura.  Long story but they both ended up coming, separately, to visit me the day before Grandma passed away.  They both just let me talk about my Grandma and then had me laughing by the end of our visits.  Which is what I needed.  I needed to talk about her.  So many times people don't bring up loved ones because of their fear that it will make some one sad.  But I wanted to talk about my Grandma.  And then when it got too much, they made it better by making me laugh.  What a little miracle Heavenly Father gave me by letting these 2 friends of mine come the day before my Grandma would pass away.

But my biggest fueling up came from David and I going to Branson, Missouri.  Grandpa insisted that we go for our anniversary, even though Grandma had just passed.  I was not going to go but after some words of wisdom from my husband and then Grandpa insisting on it, I knew I needed it.  And needed it, I really did.  I truly enjoyed it, even if I stopped to cry now and then.

We spend 2 days there, both of those days in Silver Dollar City.  I just can't express correctly how much I needed this distraction.  To just be with the love of my life.   To be with the one who could truly comfort me better than any other in this world.  To be with the one who could give me words of comfort, over and over, that no one else could quite get as right as he did.

My Grandma

My Grandma.  Such a simple phrase describing such a general idea of a person.  But to me it is not.  I never had a clever, endearing nickname for my Grandma.  No GiGi, Grams, Granny, Nanny, and the list goes on.  Just plain ol' Grandma.  But she was MY Grandma.

If you know mine and Grandma's relationship, then you know it was a tight one.  As my Grandpa would say, I was "her girl."  Would you like to hear of a cute story describing how much of "her girl" I was?  When I was 2 years old, my sister April came along.  A cute little, fat baby with dimples joined our family.  Well, apparently one day while I was in a room with just my Grandma and this new little sister I just walked up to that little baby and punched her in the stomach!  I don't know why I did it.  Maybe it was this little creature getting all the attention now.  But the story is famous in our family because of Grandma's priceless reaction.  My mother came running to the aid of this now screaming precious baby and my Grandma completely denied what I had done!  I had just socked a brand new baby in the stomach and I still could do no wrong in her eyes!

That is a good summary of our relationship.  I could never doubt her love for me.  I couldn't tell you how many times she would text me or call because she could just feel that I was depressed.  And I couldn't tell you how many times she was right!  She could just sense it.  Maybe because we were connected so well.  When I would come over to visit Grandma, Grandpa, and Chuck; Grandpa would just sit back and let us gab.  And that is saying a lot because if you know my Grandpa, you know he is a talker.  I guess my point is, Grandma and I were connected.

So with her passing away today, I certainly felt all the feelings.  Deep sadness because I knew the above mentioned things would stop in this life.  But a sense of relief because I hated knowing she has been suffering for way too long.  It's weird having such a range of emotions.  Happy one minute and sobbing the next.

I know today is about Grandma but if I could indulge in something I realized today that I know is very "me, me, me" but nevertheless is a sweet tender blessing from Heavenly Father.  One that He gave just to me.  I like to think of it as Him taking His hand and patting me on the head while saying, "It's ok, child.  I'm still here.  This one is for you."

Almost an hour had passed after I found out that Grandma had died.  I was feeling sorry for myself.  How crappy it is that MY Grandma would pass away on my husband's birthday and our wedding anniversary.  Now all I'm going to think about when we celebrate this day in years ahead is my Grandma died on this day!  Seriously?  How crappy!  But then all of a sudden I realized that it was a sweet little present Heavenly Father gave me.  My Grandma has been sick for months.  He let her live long enough for me to come out to Oklahoma and visit before she died.  And she left that sick body and returned to her home of long ago to be with her parents again on David's birthday and our anniversary!  I thought of what a dear friend (Brandy Holly) said to me.  She was trying to comfort me a few days ago and said of her mother something like, "As much as I miss my mother, I would never bring her back!  I would never take her from such a wonderful place."  Knowing that, what a blessing it happened on such a day.

A few minutes passed and a I started balling again.  Why didn't I go up there?  Since we have been visiting, I have went every day to see her (except for Christmas Eve).  Why would I not go today?  Last night I couldn't sleep.  It was after 3:30 in the morning when I finally was able to sleep.  But that only happened because I got so irritated that I couldn't sleep that I took Nyquil and some migraine medicine that makes me sleepy.  A very sleepy combination.  Only an hour and a half later did Mom come in the room to tell me that Grandma was unresponsive.  She was heading up to Tulsa, did I want to come?  Why didn't I go?!  Well, I was so tired from that medicine.  Wasn't fully lucid.  But I was still mad at myself for not going.  I could have been by my Grandma's side when she left this world.  I could have been by Grandpa's side to support him in his grief.  I was so mad at myself. 

But then it was like that hand was on my head saying, "Child, you didn't need to see that."  I was again reminded of that friend who also told me, "Let your last memory of your Grandma be a good one.  And just leave it as that."  The last time I saw Grandma was yesterday.  She wasn't moving her arms and head all around like she had in times past like she was trying to get the breathing tube out of her mouth.  She was still.  Just sleeping.  But the second I said her name and told her it was me, she opened her eyes.  I talked to her and told her I loved her.  She only stayed awake for about a minute but it was a wonderful last memory.  I watched as my mom came in the room and the same thing happened for her.  I am choosing to believe that me not being able to sleep and taking that medication that made me so tired was actually a blessing so my last memory of her could be of her awake and aware of me.

I know this seems incredibly selfish, this post.  I know her death is really nothing about me.  But these are my thoughts this morning as I'm processing her death.  I wanted to journal them before I forgot.  For those days in the future when I forget the tender mercies that happened today and for those days when losing my Grandma is hard.

Friends That Last

I've said it so many times and I'll say it again:  I have been blessed with the best of friends!

After spending time with my family, I always make an effort to visit old friends when I come to Oklahoma.  It is always fun and often therapeutic.  They make me laugh, make me feel young again, they teach me things, and they have my back.

I grew up with Jolayne while attending church.  She has always been closer to April than me but I often get to see her when she comes to visit April.  She also seems to visit when I do, which works out perfectly for me because then I can say hi and even sometimes goof around.  On this get together we did a lot of teasing and April gave us matching hair-do's.

One of my favorite things to do is our dinner get together with some of the class of 1996 of Jay, Oklahoma!  Sometimes we don't get to get a lot of one on one talking because of the amount of people that show up but there is always laughter.  This time, in particular, I was so grateful for a few friends that stayed late to help me through the ups and downs of this visit to Oklahoma.  It's hard to explain how a trip here could be so wonderful yet sombering at the same time.  My number one priority for this trip was to be here for Grandma, but she was so much worse than I had expected.  There has been such a decline in her health that it saddened me yet uplifted me at other times as I was counseled by friends who have been through heartache and death of loved ones themselves.  This night, as a few of these friends stayed later than the rest, they gave me some of the best advice I have gotten so far concerning my Grandma.  And I really feel at peace now.

Valerie and Shawn came to visit so we used the opportunity for David and I to go on a double date with them. 

To say that Shawn and Valerie had us rolling in laughter at times is an understatement!

But before Valerie had my stomach and sides hurting from laughter, she was so kind with me as she made sure that she first let me talk about my Grandma.  I have been blessed with many friends but this girl here is a part of a really small group of girl friends that I consider my BEST friends.  I know there is nothing I can do to help my Grandma but just being able to talk about her was therapeutic in a way...and then came the laughter that I needed to "fill up my cup" to keep me going as I made yet another trip to the hospital to be with Grandpa and Grandma (which, I should mention the trooper my Grandpa has been through all of this.  His hope doesn't waiver.)

I went to church with Jasia years ago and though she is so much younger than me, well, I still consider her my friend.  It's hard to explain when you meet someone as sweet, kind, physically beautiful, and thoughtful as Jasia.  Her wedding reception was today and with us being back in Oklahoma, David and I were able to attend.  I feel like I have been constantly on the go, while here, but there was no way that I was going to miss supporting this amazing girl.

 Laura is my oldest friend that will forever be my best friend outside of my husband and sister, April.  I love her so very much and feel it a great privilege to be a friend to someone who not only loves me too but is such a good example to me.  That's funny because she has told me for so long that "I saved her" growing up.  That I was such a good example to her.  But she doesn't realize that I was so attracted to people like her and Valerie because they were what I wanted to be: brave and one who would stand up for themselves.  I was never good at that.  And here I am all these years later and I still wish I could be like her in many other ways like how smart she is, how great she is at giving good advice, and always there to give me medical lessons when I'm stumped (which has been a lot lately with trying to understand what is going on with Grandma).

And I'll just end it on this picture to show that some things never change!  I guarantee you that somewhere out there is a picture of 2 teenage girls that look a whole lot these 2 ladies, some 20+ years ago.  Yep, some things never change!

Christmas Eve 2019

We left on the 21st to drive to Oklahoma to spend our Christmas break with family.   My Grandma (MeMaw, as the great grand kids call her) is not doing well and so it was really important to David and I that we come out this Christmas to see her.  She is in the hospital, which means it is hard not to see her and Grandpa at all of our family get togethers, like Christmas Eve.

 But they were close to our hearts as we watched the children make gingerbread houses, decorated Christmas cookies, had our traditional Christmas Eve burgers, and opening of presents...the things that Grandma and Grandpa have loved to watch over the years.

Most of my pictures from the opening of presents didn't come out well but I had to put this one on here.  One of my favorite gifts that our family gave out this year.  A grillin' t-shirt to the grill master himself!

Merry Christmas 2019!

We have a 17 year old!

When it comes to the boy's birthdays, over the years we have changed the way we celebrate.  Sometimes with friends.  Sometimes just with family.  And then we changed it up with making more of memories than giving gifts. 

But Levi's birthday, this year, fell on the day before we were leaving for Oklahoma.  I also knew it would be late before David got home, if we were going to celebrate as a family.

So I thought about doing something different.  Levi bought himself a melodica a while back and has been faithful in teaching himself how to play it.  I asked him onetime if he'd like to play any other instruments.  He had an interest in the piano so I thought that if we used that money that we would normally use to "play" on his birthday and bought him a keyboard piano, that it would go to such good use.  I really do want to support him in his love for music.  

So, for his 17th birthday this year we didn't do much.  We let him pick where to eat, bought a bunch of German Pop, and had cake.  Pretty simple.

17...each year surprises me a little more.  Where did the time go?  Maybe I feel that way because he's always been such an easy child to raise.  He listens.  He does what is asked of him.  

I'm truly proud to call him mine.

An Early Birthday

David got to come home a day early last week because of a work party, so on Friday we treated the whole day as if it was David's birthday.  I try to separate his birthday from our anniversary, every year, because it just seems unfair to combine them.  

We spent the day going out to eat, a movie, shopping at the mall, cake, presents, and more!  It was just a good day and the best part of it was a lot of alone time with David!

I love this man so much.  He makes me happy.  He makes me feel safe.  I feel loved when he's around.  He is such a good example to my boys on how to treat a woman, especially an eternal partner.  He works hard.  He serves others.  He plays with his children.  

He is everything I wanted in a husband, as a young adult, and wondered if it could one day be.  I am so thankful Heavenly Father saw me fit to be his partner for this life and eternity.