It's What Is On My Mind

Depression has been on my mind a lot lately.  I openly talk about it anyway, but it seems that lately it has been a part of most discussions that take place around me.  When I first was diagnosed with it (through tests given by a doctor and obvious signs through behavior) I was 18 years old.  I did not want to talk to anybody about it other than my therapist.  I can remember my parents trying to have conversations with me about it but I hated admitting that I had to take prescription drugs to be "normal."  Some of my closest friends didn't find out about it until years later when I would become severely depressed after having Hyrum.  It was my all time low and after finally being able to feel things again, I knew I needed to explain myself to my friends that I had avoided.  There will always be judgmental people but for the most part, those I opened up to, embraced it and had no idea I ever had been through what I had. 

For about 3 years now I have been talking pretty openly about depression without shame.  I have expressed my feelings at group settings, one on one, as well as on my blog.  It has led to some of my most personal and vulnerable feelings being brought to the surface that ultimately lead to others opening up as well.   The old me would be surprised if she could look into the future and see that today I believe that my depression is both a blessing and a "curse."  There was a time when I never would have considered depression as anything but a horrible and cruel description of who I was.  And I certainly couldn't believe that depression could ever be considered a blessing.  How could a blessing form from truly believing that all around you would be better off without you?  But I can say now that I have known darkness and with every bit of sincerity with in me I can also say that the very same debilitating "curse" that I was born with has lead to my most spiritual experiences.

April told me once that  my depression is what made me so empathetic to those around me.  That because I know such intense pain, I am mindful of others who hurt. I know now that she was right all along.  I have had more people open up to me about their depression than I ever did in earlier years.  And I listen and tell them that they have every right to feel all those horrible feelings of being alone, anger, and sadness.  One of the many things that I have learned through my experiences is that there are 2 types of depressants: the angry one and the sad one.  I have been both.  So I try to be that listening ear as well advice giver that both can be overcome a little at a time.  I don't know that I will ever completely be rid of my depression in this life but I do know techniques now that calm me enough to know that I need to walk away from a certain situation or person.  I can recognize when the angry depressant in me comes out and know that I have to leave immediately.  Unfortunately, when the sad depressant comes along, I have a much harder time letting that part of me go.  Sometimes it just feels that, that part of the depression tries so very hard to cling on to my spirit.  I haven't quite figured that one out but I am honest about that with others.  I don't have all the answers but I can listen and make sure that others know that their feelings are valid.

(Daddy and Hyrum on the couch listening and watching conference.  Brigham and Levi are hiding in the boxes :)

  

All these thoughts are on my mind because of a talk given by Elder Holland on Saturday at General Conference.  He spoke of mental illnesses and how very real they are.  I have had an immense amount of love for this man every since I ran into him one day in a restaurant in Provo, Utah when I was single.  I felt his sincerity for me then, as he asked all kinds of questions about me, just as much as I did on Saturday as I listened to his talk.  I will go to this talk in the future when I am having my bad days so I can be reminded that the Lord is very aware of my mind.  He loves me.  And one day, He will make it all right.