These last few days I have really been struggling.
One of my depression medications ran out and I really thought I would be ok with just the other medication, as I have been doing so well. And honestly, maybe I would have been able to do so if not for our current circumstances. At first, it went just fine. I felt the same. But then David came home one night to tell me that he would be working long hours, including our family Saturdays. So....maybe not a good idea. But I had ran out of my medication so there wasn't much I could do about it right away. I needed my yearly girly checkup anyway so I thought I would wait for that appointment. Not a good idea, again. By the time the doctor left the examination room, this morning, (after telling me she could not refill my prescription because she wasn't my primary care physician) I lost it. I braved it until that door closed and then the flood gates opened. As I did a few breathing excersizes, I was able to calmly exit the building before another bout of tears came. Oh, the simple things that topple over all that you stayed strong for :(
My doctors appointment was in Stockton and I didn't want to drive all that way without seeing something I hadn't before. I went to visit the Cambodian Buddhist Temple. It seemed fitting considering Buddhist are known for their belief in attaining peace as well as being aware of our thoughts and actions (and taking responsibility for them. For me that is the most important part of what they believe).
As I passed some smoking monks, I thought how nice it would be just to live a life truly believing that one could be happy with the clothes on their backs and well, that is pretty much it. Just to ponder. And help others when those allow it.
On the way home I called my Grandma. I had been thinking of her since Sunday. Sunday was a particularly hard day for me as I couldn't feel the spirit as I was teaching my little ones in Primary. I came home and took a nap. Right before I woke up, I saw my Grandma outside her house. I couldn't understand what she was saying. I asked her to repeat herself and she started singing with the most beautiful voice I had ever heard. I can't remember all that she sung but the one phrase that I remember was, "Angels, sometimes I need you."
I woke up with this urge to write. I needed to figure out what that dream was telling me. I am still working on it, but it was a wonderful dream that has lead me to something fulfilling, to say the least.
When I was on the phone with Grandma she told me to get on David's Facebook account to look at some pictures she liked. I never did get to those pictures, but once again, she lead me to something fulfilling. I came across this article (posted on Facebook) online called, "She Yelled And Called Me Names." The author, Susan Basham, spoke of an experience she had with a stranger who was more than a little rude to her. This other lady yelled at her and cursed for a reason so very silly. Something that was misunderstood. And instead of yelling back, Susan went back in time, to a place in her life where she knew she was stressed. Where she pictured herself not being very nice to others. She had true empathy for this stranger. I balled my eyes out as I read this post.
Did I fail to mention that this day of mine started off with a lady in our townhome complex who accused me of not being honest? My emotions were so raw at the doctor's office because of what this lady said to me. The complex we live in is very small, yet I had never seen this lady before. I was sitting in my car, windows rolled down trying to get the address set in our TomTom for my trip to the doctor, when I saw this lady coming my direction but heading to the dumpsters. I smiled at her and she shot me this nasty glance. I thought maybe she couldn't see me well. So I waited for her to get closer and I said hi and asked her how she was doing. She walked around the car, came to the drivers side and said with no expression on her face, "I am doing good. It's good to be honest." She walked away towards the trash can. What an odd interaction with this woman I have never met or seen before. She had the accountance of pure anger about her. She kinda scared me. After dumping her trash she actually came back. I can't remember what she said; it was another odd statement though. As she was walking away, I asked her if I had done anything wrong. She whipped her head around and said, "You know what you did." Again, frightening. It really rattled me. I put on a Christian radio station as I headed to the doctor, to try to get that aweful feeling away from me.
So I was reminded of this as I was reading this article. So perfect. Exactly what I needed to be reminded of. Just love her, Alisa. Who knows what she is going through. I obviously haven't done anything to her. I don't even know her but maybe there is some mental illness there. Just love her, Alisa.
As I passed some smoking monks, I thought how nice it would be just to live a life truly believing that one could be happy with the clothes on their backs and well, that is pretty much it. Just to ponder. And help others when those allow it.
On the way home I called my Grandma. I had been thinking of her since Sunday. Sunday was a particularly hard day for me as I couldn't feel the spirit as I was teaching my little ones in Primary. I came home and took a nap. Right before I woke up, I saw my Grandma outside her house. I couldn't understand what she was saying. I asked her to repeat herself and she started singing with the most beautiful voice I had ever heard. I can't remember all that she sung but the one phrase that I remember was, "Angels, sometimes I need you."
I woke up with this urge to write. I needed to figure out what that dream was telling me. I am still working on it, but it was a wonderful dream that has lead me to something fulfilling, to say the least.
When I was on the phone with Grandma she told me to get on David's Facebook account to look at some pictures she liked. I never did get to those pictures, but once again, she lead me to something fulfilling. I came across this article (posted on Facebook) online called, "She Yelled And Called Me Names." The author, Susan Basham, spoke of an experience she had with a stranger who was more than a little rude to her. This other lady yelled at her and cursed for a reason so very silly. Something that was misunderstood. And instead of yelling back, Susan went back in time, to a place in her life where she knew she was stressed. Where she pictured herself not being very nice to others. She had true empathy for this stranger. I balled my eyes out as I read this post.
Did I fail to mention that this day of mine started off with a lady in our townhome complex who accused me of not being honest? My emotions were so raw at the doctor's office because of what this lady said to me. The complex we live in is very small, yet I had never seen this lady before. I was sitting in my car, windows rolled down trying to get the address set in our TomTom for my trip to the doctor, when I saw this lady coming my direction but heading to the dumpsters. I smiled at her and she shot me this nasty glance. I thought maybe she couldn't see me well. So I waited for her to get closer and I said hi and asked her how she was doing. She walked around the car, came to the drivers side and said with no expression on her face, "I am doing good. It's good to be honest." She walked away towards the trash can. What an odd interaction with this woman I have never met or seen before. She had the accountance of pure anger about her. She kinda scared me. After dumping her trash she actually came back. I can't remember what she said; it was another odd statement though. As she was walking away, I asked her if I had done anything wrong. She whipped her head around and said, "You know what you did." Again, frightening. It really rattled me. I put on a Christian radio station as I headed to the doctor, to try to get that aweful feeling away from me.
So I was reminded of this as I was reading this article. So perfect. Exactly what I needed to be reminded of. Just love her, Alisa. Who knows what she is going through. I obviously haven't done anything to her. I don't even know her but maybe there is some mental illness there. Just love her, Alisa.
(Gautama Buddha)
(Their temple. I went inside but I didn't feel comfortable taking pictures in case it was sacred to them)
2 comments:
I really needed to see this post. I'm usually on my phone, so I don't often get to visit your blog! I just happened to log on tonight and came to see what the Adams were up to! I could use some advice on one of the subjects you discussed here. Does Blogger have a private messaging system or do you have an email?
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