The older boys have left for school so I got the crock pot out to get dinner going. I then started to clean because Baby Boy is happily in the bouncy chair and I'm thinking, "I finally have the energy AND desire to clean so I better do it before something changes!" But then something comes in my mind. And I have to stop to journal it.
I thought back to a week or so ago when I was talking to my Mom on the phone. We were talking about the importance of keeping things the same for Baby Boy as if he was literally a child I had given birth to. There were some things that I wanted to do, but questioned it, but Mom put my heart at ease with helping me to do the right thing.
If it all works out.
That darn "if."
Anyways, it brought my thoughts to many things. How just like with the children I gave birth to, things have been thrown up in the air with this little guy coming into our lives. My house is not clean most of the time now. I rarely have dinner ready (that is the one I am struggling the most with as far as quilt goes). I have totally given up on the older boy's homework and have left it up to Daddy to make sure it gets done. I haven't exercised in months. I'm not reading my scriptures daily. We continue to have family morning and night prayer with scriptures at night as a family but that usually consists of reading just one scripture verse now. No chapter for us anymore. I keep putting off Family Home Evening (but thanks to the diligence of Hyrum, he informs me of that daily so usually by Saturday we finally do it). Trust me, there is more. But I think I am getting my point across.
Reading all that should scream out that I am really struggling. Depression should be setting in. And with the children that I birthed that is exactly what happened. I still can't get over how different this is with Baby Boy. Don't get me wrong most of time when David comes home from work, I am strung out. But the difference is, it usually happens maybe an hour or 2 before he gets home. With the other boys it never seemed to go away. There was always that guilt mixed with the occasional bouts of depression and the feeling of being closed in. The other difference is that all it takes is David coming home and him talking to me to get me to put things into perspective. Amazing! Before, I had to get out of the house immediately. Oh, and yesterday, Levi's friends were over and they asked me to play spoons. I would have never even considered entertaining that idea before. But I sat down and played. And you know what? I REALLY had fun. We laughed and laughed (and amazingly Baby Boy didn't get scared each time we all scrambled for the spoons - which of course means being really loud).
I guess I write this because I can't control how this IS different from when I gave birth to the older boys. And it is one thing that I don't feel guilty about because I need this. Our family needs this.
P.S. And I still have energy so off to cleaning I go!
P.S. And I still have energy so off to cleaning I go!
2 comments:
My Favorite saying now a days is "Endure it Well" not just Enduring to the end, but Enduring it Well. I find myself thinking of "How am I Enduring this situation or issue. It seems to really help me to have an Eternal Perspective on Enduring. You're doing so well, and Heavenly Father is so pleased with what you're doing with and for Baby Boy and your family. It doesn't go unnoticed. This will be a cherished time to always remember. Love you ")
Your boys aren't going to notice or remember dinner not being "on time" but they will remember you playing spoons with them. You are doing great!
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