What I want you to know

With the passing, through suicide, of the comedian Robin Williams, much attention has been brought to the media surface of depression.  If Robin left anything more than happiness through his comedy, I hope it is the awareness of mental illness.  

Maybe it's the phrase "mental illness" that makes people not want to face reality.  Maybe we need to only call it depression.  Maybe it wouldn't change a thing either way because ultimately most of us are ashamed that we or our loved ones can't control our/their moods or feelings.  Maybe we are tired of people telling us that it is "all in our heads."  That we could be happy if we just thought positive thoughts.

But we are screaming, "Really?  Just think positive thoughts?  Wow!  Why didn't I ever think of that?!"  And in our minds we hear exactly that - only sarcastically.  The irony is that we are screaming in our heads, that it isn't all in our heads!  But in reality, it is.  Depression is a real medical condition.  Our brains are not wired like the average "normal" person.

So let me tell you what a depressed person is...actually is!  Not what a "normal" brained person may think.

We are sad.  We hurt.  We cry one minute and can't feel a thing the next.  Some of us are angry.  Some of us cower in whatever we are labeled in the moment.  Does it sound familiar?  No, I am not going to diagnose you with depression and tell you to take a certain pill that works for me.  However, chances are, a normal brained human is reading this and thinking that they have those same issues at times.  And when they feel those same exact things, they can make themselves think positively and before they know it, they are back to reality.

Well, good for you.  No seriously, good for you!  If you could somehow put that awesomeness in a pill, you would be a billionaire and we would praise you.  But again, the reality is that we just don't have your "normal" brain.  

But you know what?  Even though we may not be able to turn off negative thoughts like you can, we are still loving human beings.  And that is what I want you to know about us.  Not just that we are sad.  Or that we hurt and cry a lot.  Or that we can be walking contradictions and not feel anything at all.  I want you to know that after the medication, therapy or just through the grace of God, when we seem normal again...we are not.  We are not because we will always feel things differently than you.  We have been through hell and came back.  And we know that more than likely, a short distance away, we are going to find ourselves in that same situation - fear, sadness, anger or feeling nothing at all.

But the huge, wonderful, amazing thing that comes out of depression are those in between stages.

Because we know debilitating pain, we love deeply.  We have empathy.  There is no sympathizing with us.  We hear the cries of suicide and take it seriously.  And that is where our deep love comes in.  We have had those horrible thoughts and though we may know they are irrational, we feel a need to help in any way we can.  Even to a stranger because these depressive thoughts are real!

I used to say that I would never wish depression on anybody.  I don't know, maybe a part of me still says that.  But I can now say that a bigger part of me says that depression has blessed my life.  I am more compassionate than I was before and that I would wish for anybody.